Thursday, February 25, 2010

Time to make good choices

Today's therapy session was craptastic less than ideal. I'm not really sure what was going on with me, but I spent the whole session quite defensive and a little bit sulky, if I am to be honest.  I blocked (D) at every possible turn, preventing her from really being able to dig into any subject, and behaved, generally in a narky and antagonistic manner, because I'm mature like that! I don't know whether it was because I knew I had the whole weekend to get through by myself, or maybe, with some of the stuff swirling around my head about the suicide attempt anniversary, coming up next week, I just really didn't want to dig into anything to confronting.

I started the session, telling her I was fine, everything was fine, FINE! And that pretty much was my catch phrase for the entire session. Bad dreams? Not important. Weird crazy issues with bio dad? Not bothered! I'm fine, and nothing you can say or do is going to make me admit otherwise, woman, so get up and outta my grill! Word.

But the truth is, I'm not fine. And when I got home, and started contemplating the weekend stretched out in front of me, with all the temptations that come when lil sis goes away for the weekend, I realised I was heading towards danger zone. As much as I am trying to push anniversary stuff out of my mind, and pretend it doesn't matter, it is still starting to worm its little gremlin way into my psyche.

So, (fairy claps for me) I decided to take a action. I rang my friend (S) and told her what was going on, cos I'm proactive like that! :P Together we devised a plan. Tomorrow, I am going to busy myself cleaning the house, and catching up on some other errands I've been putting off. (S) has banished her bf to a boy's night tomorrow night, and she is going to come over after work for a girly sleepover. Chick flicks, chocolate, face masks and a mattress on the living room floor, just like high school. On Saturday, we are hopefully going to go for a trailride at some stables just outside the city. (K) was talking about having done it at our coffee yesterday, and it reminded me of how much I enjoyed it last time (S) and I went back in September. Something very zen and peaceful about, sitting atop these giant beasts, and meandering your way through the Aussie bushland. On Sunday, I'm working a double shift at the Ronald McDonald House. By Monday, Uni will have started up, and of course therapy will have rolled around again.

Obviously, I need to come clean to (D) about what next thursday represents to me. I shut her down today when she spoke about a contact call on saturday afternoon, but maybe I should take her up on it.

Its hard work. *Yes, that's kind of whiney, but still....* Its so much easier just to let the bleurghiness take over and pull you down. It takes so much energy to make sure you are doing these tiny things to combat it. But I can't keep crashing. Even though there is a lot I have no control over, I still have to take responsibilty for my own choices. So today, I am feeling a little ashamed of my juvenile behaviour, but proud that I finally pulled it together enough to make healthy plans to support my well being.


  1. I'm so proud of you, yay! The weekend thing was huge for me, that's why I ended up in hospital so much on weekends. At one point I was in ever week just for the weekend for 'containment'. At the end of my stay, the nurses used to joke that they would see me next weekend. That's how I ended up being hospitalised over 85 times :-/

    I hope you have a fab weekend with your friend. Making plans is the best way to deal with this.


  2. I tried to use a profile thingy the other time and had to do an anonymous post because I couldn't get it to work. I'm a little technologically inept that way. Anyway, I am glad you are taking some positive action. Good for you for recognising a danger zone and doing something about it. Wishing you safety and health this weekend!! Nova xx

  3. Thanks for the support, guys. One foot in front of the other... (S) and I had a fun evening, she has now fallen asleep like a normal person. But just the presence of someone else in the house is a big help. Am just going to focus on the fun and frivolity of tomorrow.