Suicide Anniversary

Another "anniversary" is fastly approaching. I think thus far, I am doing a pretty good job of keeping myself engaged and not allowing myself to slide back into the more comfortable (if somewhat terrifying) depression I have experienced over the last few months. Am slowly clawing my way out.

Was speaking to (K) at coffee this afternoon about it. I feel as though, I am unreasonably putting a whole lot of emphasis on a day, which is essentially just the same as any other, because something bad happened on this day a few years ago. Like, if I didn't insist of putting such meaning into it, it wouldn't be a problem. I'm trying not to, but as (K) pointed out if I am thinking about it, down to the precise day, then, yeah, its probably not so much a case of intentionally focussing on it. I guess its somewhat embedded into my psyche. The other reason I feel stupid, is because its not an anniversary of something someone else did to me, or some terrible accident or disaster. Its the anniversary of my very serious suicide attempt. I explained to (K) that in someways, I still feel as though I never really went back to "living". I mean, they got me breathing again, I learnt how to walk and talk again. I interact with people. And even when my concious is not open to exploring the possibility of the 'future', I am still making steps towards it, with my uni, with the recovery process, with relationships. I feel like its just a lame excuse for me to wallow for a day. (K) pointed out that if it was someone that I loved who had died, the anniversary would throw up stuff. She also pointed out, that from our conversation that day, it was pretty clear that I was grieving what I had lost still. We had talked about my upcoming high school reunion and how I didn't want to go, because I was not the person that my quite successful 17 year old self should have been 10 years later.

Anyway. As usual, when I feel unsure about whether I'm overreacting or whatever, I turned to the internet to see what the literature has to say. I didn't actually find a lot. But what I did find was a whole lot of links to blogs and forums, with people facing the same feelings, some 6 or 7 years after the event...

It has been noted that :

People who attempt suicide must not only have the desire to die, but must also have developed the capacity to enact lethal self-injury. Those who have made a suicide attempt have overcome their instinct of self-preservation

That in itself, without taking into account the reasons or trauma behind the event is traumatising, in and of itself. You become the perpetrator of violence against your own body. And in doing so you go against nature, which should instinctively inbed in one, a sense of self-preservation. (Note: I am not saying unnatural in a judgemental way...)

Anyway. It has brought up a whole lot of mixed feelings. And although I am trying to keep myself as even keeled as possible in the lead up to next Thursday, I do think it would be wise, to just let a few of my support people know, just in case.