Monday, February 8, 2010

My kind of day

Today, I have not been doing anything that I am 'supposed' to do. I have stayed in my pajamas. I did not shower. After the big cleaning marathon on the weekend, there was little that needed to be done other than a few dishes. I had a pizza pocket for lunch. I drank real coke, rather than the decaffenieted stuff I try to drink. I watched all the shows that I had recorded on the IQ. I surfed the net. I dealt with the phone/cable situations, which took about 10 minutes, but pushed all the other things I have to sort...uni, carpets etc off the agenda for the day. And now I am cooking myself a very easy frozen curried lentil and rice microwave meal, before cuddling up on the couch for some more tv. And even though I haven't done any of the things I'm supposed to do to keep the depression at bay...exercise, socialise, eat properly etc.... it was just what I needed. The sheer bliss of a day of just kicking back, chilling out and doing exactly what I wanted to. It's not something I can keep up... but for today, it was good.

Therapist (D) texted me to let me know that she was back from overseas, and she hoped that I was doing ok, but she wasn't in a place where she could call me. Which was fine, to be honest I didn't expect a call from her tonight, when she has just gotten back, but it was lovely that she thought to send the text. I really need to remind myself next time therapy is going as I might want it to that I am quite lucky to have (D) who is consistent and trustworthy, is available as needed outside of the "50 minutes", without letting it turn into a situation where there is too much dependence. When times are tricky she really steps up to the plate with the everyday support, without making me feel bad or like a burden (although I can do that all by myself) I can say now, in a moment of relative peace, that it has been really interesting, though sometimes unsettling, to look back on how the therapeutic relationship has developed in just over 6 months. I trust her. I really do. Which is so strange for me. And the way she was able to take my anger, from that horrible 'Thursday' and let me know, that it was ok, it was a good thing, and the relationship could survive it, was pretty amazing. I'm still processing the concept. And then to be able to switch gears, and know that stuff needed to be put on the backburner while the whirlwind of the last week was endured, was fantastic. We have a fill-in session tomorrow morning, and I know its going to be time to start facing up to some hard sh*te, but tonight, I feel ok about this, because I have a pretty amazing therapist help me, as well as a wonderful (if annoyingly, perpetually happy) Case Manager, who has also consistently stuck by, and been available to me, despite the limitations of the Public Health system. And who has been able to advocate for me, within said system, when I am unable to do it for myself. And of course (K), who seems to find a way to both suprise me and get me thinking whenever we catch up. From a professional point of view, I am pretty damned lucky support-wise, even BossPsychDoc is ok, although I think I will probably be relegated back to his new BabyDoc. I met her when I was last in hospital, only once, but she seems ok, better than the douchebag who held the position before her at least. At some point I may need to consider getting a private psych. Particularly if sleep doesn't start to improve. Private psychs tend to be a bit more creative in their approach and of course, have more time to spend one on one and get to the bottem of things. But for now, its all pretty good. Now, I just need to work on maybe (maaaaaaybe) opening up to some friends and family a bit more, so my social support network is stronger.

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