Friday, February 5, 2010

Life in a nutshell

Found out a little more about the 'situation' from last night, this morning. Apparently while lil sis's ex was in the spare room (and I assumed sleeping), he was actually lying there in the dark incessantly calling her, and sending nasty and obscene text messages and pictures. Lil sis got a new I-phone the other day, and thoughtlessly left her old home lying about at home. I say thoughtlessly, given ex's current state of mind, but really... who goes through other peoples old text messages. Anyway, apparently he found some texts that enraged him, and thus the text message harrassment. A part of me feels bad for him, but he really just needs to pull his head in. Anyway, sis was supposed to head into the courthouse this morning to lodge a Domestic Violence Order against him. But once again, at the last minute she changed her mind. Ultimately, it is her choice, and all we can do is support and offer encouragement. She did however tell ex that she had picked up the paperwork and if he didn't leave, she would file it tomorrow. I understand where she is coming from, somewhat. Nobody wants a 6 year relationship to end that way, and prior to them breaking up, there was none of this crazy-ass behaviour from him. I really do think he is starting to lose the plot, and I thinked, faced with the prospect of the DVO, he started to realise that too. So he came home this afternoon, filled out the necessary paperwork to change things over with the lease, bond and car registration, packed up some things and left.

He will be coming back on saturday to get the rest of his things, but only during stipulated hours while we are out at a local waterpark celebrating older sis's bday. Sigh. Waterpark...sheesh... that's going to be fun. Am a bit concerned about going due to the mess I have made to legs (SI-ing), but the cuts are limited to the upper part of my thighs, and after talking to (K) this afternoon, I decided I should go, so I bought some knee-length board-shorts and hopefully that will suffice. My sisters do know, I think, about the previous self-harm, years ago, because it came out in hospital, post OD in 2006. But we have never discussed it and nobody outside the mental health professionals knows I'm back at it again. I have always been pretty good at hiding it... taking care of it myself, and only cutting on areas that nobody else would see. Of course, with various boyfriends over recent years, the issue of my scars has come up, but I have always been able to reassure them that it was something I did many years ago, as a messed up kid. But here I am, 27, and back at it again. Pathetic! But, I've kicked it once, and I'll do it again. I am damned if I am going to go back to carrying around one more secret and trying to hide it from everybody. To carrying blades and bandages in my purse, just in case...I will NOT go back to that. I just have to be firm with myself. Yes, it serves a purpose, but its a purpose that could be served a few other, more healthy ways.

Other than that therapist (D) headed off overseas this morning. She called from the boarding lounge to check how I was doing, I could hear boarding calls in the background. Which was nice. And yes, its a bit scary she is out of contact for a bit, but it is only 5 days, and she is probably off learning more things about how to deal with nutters like me, so, its time to be a GROWNUP, suck it up, and deal with it myself. Which should be a bit easier since ex is now out of the house.

She would be very proud of me today, actually. I practiced being assertive and told little sis, that I needed help cleaning the house, as it was out of control and we are interviewing roommates this weekend. She agreed and then quickly dissapeared for an hour. Sigh. So I got started and scrubbed the kitchen, till it sparkled (although I still do have to clean the over...ugh) When she did reappear, she stood around for a few minutes not knowing what to do, so I directed her to the mop, and got her to the kitchen floor. Cleaning is not part of regular repetoire. When I told her it took me 3 and a half hours to clean the bathroom, she looked at me like I was crazy. The thing is, I was in hospital for a fortnight, nobody lifted so much as a chux to the bathroom, I was pretty depressed leading up to that fortnight... so in essence the bathroom hadn't had a proper clean in over a month. Revolting! I had to scrub the mould out of grouting in the shower, scrub the floor by hand plus some other spring cleaning stuff that needed to be done. Cleaning walls and skirting boards ect. I bought a whole bunch of wicker baskets for the cabinets, in the hopes that if she has to just chuck things in the appropriate basket she might keep things tidier. I also bought a new bath mat and handtowel, and just threw out the old ones...yuck. But it sure looks pretty now! After the floor, she moved on to her bedroom, while I gave the lounge a thorough clean out. Big Sis tackled the laundry for us, which was kind as she doesn't actually live here and thus really didn't have to. So all that leaves for tomorrow is to clean out the family room, and the spare room we will be renting out. Sort out the office. Fold some laundry which is currently sitting at the end of my bed and put it away. After ex is done moving his crap out, I am going to give the carpets a shampoo, and probably fleabomb the house, and give the cat a bath and a new collar. With summer, and her being outside, its hard to keep the flea situation under control, but I do my best.

Other than that, coffee with (K) this afternoon, which was a good chance to get some perspective. Good phonecall with friend (SC), where she told me that she had used a lesson idea that I came up with for her, with her history class, and the kids really enjoyed it and got the concept. One of the boys apparently said "Ms C, you're going somewhere with this activity..." and then joked to the class "Be careful, we might learn something accidentally!" Lol. Its a good ego boost to know that my ideas still work and I might make a good teacher if I ever finish this damned degree!. Got letter from the doc today so I can submit the application to drop my two subjects from this semester without financial or more importantly academic penalty. So I just have to pull myself together for the new semester in March. Also got an Appointment to see Neuro-Doc next week. Not sure how much use it will be, as I am pretty sure is not the epilepsy meds that are at fault but the lack of sleeping. Until that is under control, my seizure control is not going to get much better. I am much better these days at pulling myself together afterwards. I had one during the night last night, but slept it off for a few hours and then woke up this morning feeling ok-ish. Sore and a bit like I'd been hit by a truck...but manageable. least I got a few hours of 'sleep'. *Post seizure sleep never really feels like sleep...its all post-ictal and more like semi-conciousness*

Still waiting for script for meds. Was a muck up today so will get them tomorrow, fingers crossed. Am climbing the walls! Very shakey, fidgety, jittery and agitated.

Anyhow. thats life in a nutshell (no pun intended).

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