Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Today was my first additional session. I'll now be seeing (D) on Tuesdays as well as Mondays and Thursdays. I'm still not 100% sure on the third session schizzle, but it has already begun to show some positives, I think. (D) explained to me, that she often doesn't know how hard to push me, because the minute that the conversation turns to uncomfortable topics, I will say I don't want to talk about it right now. But I'll also say that about things that I truly am not ready to talk about at all, and that may very well cause a meltdown. Quite snarkily, I asked her what conclusion she reached, and she replied that she thinks its probably best to push me. As much as I hate it, she is probably right. I think that is partially why progress has stalled, because she lets me get out of talking about a lot of stuff I should be talking about. So yesterday and today, she would not let me deflect or change the topic. And yes, it was horribly uncomfortable and somewhat upsetting at times, but, because I knew it would only be a day or two at most before I would see her again, I was able to leave those feelings somewhat in therapy, rather than take them with me. So, yeah, "Containment 2010", is working...sigh

Tomorrow, I am catching up with Consumer Advocate (K) for coffee, and then back to therapy on Thursday, so the week is pretty structured. My friend (S) has been coming around a fair bit too, just to watch TV or eat dinner after work, because she knows that I need a little bit of company at the moment to stop me from withdrawing back inside.

Next week the Uni Semester starts up again, and I'm once again enrolled in two subjects. One is a prac subject (5 weeks of teaching). At this point I am unsure whether I will be able to make it through 5 weeks of full time work (more actually if you count the huge amounts of prep work) The Disability Officer at the Uni is trying to negotiate so that I can have one day off in the middle of each week, and just do an additional week at the end. But the faculty is resisting. Will just have to see how it goes. Still pulling together the necessary paperwork to get the uncompleted subjects from last semester dropped without academic or financial penalty. Is quite the process!

In that mode, have been trying to get a hold of Case Manager (M) since the end of last week, to get some paperwork from the psychiatrist for my claim at the uni. Finally got a call this afternoon, and as I understand it she had been out of the centre for most of the afternoon, and it was quite close to leaving time, but felt somewhat brushed off. I'm probably being unreasonable, and I know in part, I am overly sensitive to picking up "signs" that people are obviously sick of having to deal with me, pissed off with me etc. I tend to find problems where there aren't any. And realistically, she knows I am seeing (D) three times a week, and thus fairly well taken care of. It doesn't even matter really that it has taken her a while to get back to me, on a few occasion over the last few weeks because essentially my questions have either been "household stuff" like letters or scripts, or else, I have figured out ways to deal with whatever little emotional blow-out I am having myself. And I never specify my messages as urgent, because I don't really think there are. It just makes me feel a bit uneasy that if it was urgent, I still might have trouble getting a hold of her. Which is once again, probably unfair, because she has always gotten back to me quickly on urgent matters, and it would be my responsability to make sure it was clear if it was an urgent call. Anyway. Just makes me a little nervous, but I'm being silly.

Got two new appointments in the mail today, one for the Psych in about a fortnight and one for the Neuro at the end of the month.

I'm doing ok-ish at the moment. Starting to make tiny moves into going back into the world, I hope it lasts a bit longer this time!


  1. I'm so glad things are a little brighter at the minute. Aside from the fact that I only see my psychotherapist, C, weekly, things seem to be quite similar in our respective sessions - like D, he's started pushing me against my will. As you say, their doing it is for the best, but it's still hard as hell.

    Take care x

  2. When I saw the title of your post, it really brought back memories. I don't know how many times I was hospitalised for containment. I haven't heard this term in so long I had actually forgotten it and it was interesting the images that popped into my head and it actually reminded me of a few really amazing people who helped me along my way, like my old case manager. I think you're doing really well. It is really hard when someone doesn't respond in the way you were hoping and how that makes you feel unsafe but not in a harm way more in an uncomfortable, ugh my skin is too tight way, if that makes any sense what so ever. I'm glad that you have more structure, that is what ultimately helped me. When I had no structure, I fell apart and had massive meltdowns. It is so good too that you are able to be rational about how you feel. That is half that battle and it's not easy by any means. Keep up the good work :-)