Sunday, May 16, 2010

One little bite

Well, I've manage to take one little bite at the work I need to get done if I am to be able to do my practicuum next week. One assignment pretty much done. One more to do. And a whole pile of other things on the to do list not even touched. I just wish I could freeze time for a while. I just need some time to lie here, with no demands on me. It all feels like to much and I am being pulled under. I am dreading this week.

Cos ya gotta have friends...

Bad weekend.

Since my discharge from hospital, I have found it incredibly difficult to motivate myself to do anything on my HUGE to do list. A much larger list, since I took a two week siesta from the real world, made painfully overwhelming and paralysing by the fact it all needs to be done ASAP if I am to do my prac placement in a week and a halfs time. My whole semester depends on me getting through this list. But I couldn't seem to motivate myself to even do the dishes.

I sat around thinking about it today, with this paralysing anxiety pressing down on my chest, making it hard to breathe. I can't do it all. I'll never get it done. I'm a giant failure..blah blah blah. Much more constructive than actually just getting on and doing it, no?

Sleep is still shite. Self harm ideation high. Temptation strong, as opportunity is available. Lis Sis out of town for the weekend. In the end, (I suprised myself) I reached out. I wasn't safe. So I called a friend (S) who popped straight over in her pajamas. She has just left now, at 3am in the morning. We didn't talk much about the SI stuff.... I don't really like to lay that burden on friends. I felt terrible just for calling her. But she did help me get started on my list. Bless her cotton socks, she even helped me clean the house, so I have a clear free environment to finish my assessment pieces tomorrow. And then we just chatted for a few hours. The distraction was enough to get me to a point where I know I can make it through the night safely. She's going to check in on me tomorrow arvo, and then Lis Sis will be home. How blessed am I to have such a wonderful friend?

Here is a shout out to all the good friends out there. The ones who show up when the chips are down and the gremlins are biting, and pass it off as if it is nothing. Those hours they spend with us, distracting us or cheering us on, pushing us when needed. People with mental health issues certainly can be a scary thing to deal with, we can be draining at times and our actions incomprehensible. But you love us and accept us anyway. You always see the 'real' person still there underneath. And you do it with grace.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Anybody left?

I guess I somewhat abandoned this blog, and by virtue of that any loyal readers for a while, huh? I am taking a peek out of the cave I have hermited myself away in for the past few weeks to offer an explanation.

My evil arch enemy, sleep, has returned to do battle again. It got to the point where I was sleeping no mored then 90 minutes a night, and that was broken and filled with horrible nightmares. Fun fact. Apparently when you are incredibly sleep deprived, your body goes into REM (dream) cycle really quickly, which for me, in turn means I wake up in a cold sweat when my head has barely hit the pillow, only to stare into the dark for a few hours calming myself enough to sleep again. I went through all the normal sleep deprived stages- sluggish and cranky, manic, anxious and jittery and finally totally apathetic and depressed. Finally we decided on a short hospitalisation. For some reason, hospital seems to historically be a place I sleep better. I had also found a stash of old medication, even though I am currently restricted to 7 days supply at a time, and decided the grown up thing to do would be to hand it over to be disposed of, rather than risk doing something impulsive while sleep deprived. This is a big step for me, usually I would of kept it as my just in case security blanket. I would have owned up if someone asked me directly if I had a stash, but kept stum if they didn't. And they had no reason to believe I did, they thought it had all been previously confiscated.

Anyway, it was supposed to be a short stay, four days over the long weekend. I didn't want my family to know I had once again epically failed and ended up in the nut bin, so I implied I was going way for the weekend. Implied, who am I kidding? I lied. And I hated doing it. But this was my third stint this year. I was ashamed. But then the unthinkable happened. Hospital did nothing really to change my sleep. They plied me with PRN's. The stay was extended a few more days. I had to come clean to my sister. Then a few more days, over Mother's Day, I had to come clean to the rest of the family. An old duck of a night nurse would walk in at 3 in the morning to see me still lying there in bed with my eyes wide open, and cluck exasperatingly "Why aren't you asleep?!". I wish I knew. After 13 days, it became apparent the hospital intervention was an out and out fail, and I was dicharged. Tired. But still alive. So I guess that's one benefit.... That was yesterday.

I'm trying to get through all your blogs, but my google reader is chockas....luckily, I have plenty hours of reading time at night while you other fools are sleeping!