Friday, February 12, 2010

I got what I wanted and I don't want it anymore

I got what I wanted. Finally, after all the drama and crowding and  visitors staying, for the first time since I got out of hospital, I got the house to myself. Lil Sis is away down the coast until Monday. Big Sis is away for the night and should be going home on Sunday anyway. I spent all day, counting down the hours until they left, fantasising about the peace and quiet, tuning into the classical stations, maybe lounging around watching tv or doing some painting, blissfully and wonderfully alone.

But... they left, and I got some company to replace them. The 'Voice" kicked into overdrive. Freedom and an empty house was apparently too much of a temptation. I can cut without having to worry about anyone walking in on me, I can drink without worrying about detecting, all in the vain hopes of ignoring the central message from the "Voice". "Now is your chance, nobody home for the next day at least, nobody to accidentally find you, to call an ambulance. Do it now" Strong suicidal ideation, flirting with visions of a fistfuls of medication, swigs of vodka and full bathtub.

I don't know why. I mean, no, these thoughts and feelings didn't magically dissappear after "Horrible Thursday". But I guess, I had so much else that needed to be dealt with, that there wasn't so much time to stew. I honestly, was just looking forward to a nice quiet evening alone, and then bam! it all hits me, seemingly from nowhere. I suppose a big part of it on a subconcious level at least, is that I literally haven't been alone in over two weeks now, so limits the opportunities. So, I am viewing this a knee jerk reaction and trying to ride the waves as best I can. There has been some minimal SI and a little drinking. I tried to call therapist earlier, but could not get through. I left a message explaining the issue, but have not heard back. We have a planned check in phone call tomorrow, so I guess I'll just hold out for that. Problem is, I left a message, which means she'll be apprised of the issue, and ask me how I managed to work through it without support. And I don't really want to tell her I resorted to some unhealthy coping strategies. I feel like if I tell her that, it kind of sounds like, "I couldn't reach you, so I decided to slash myself" Which I guess is partially the truth, but makes it sound like "Why weren't you available when I needed you?" when in reality, I have always been fully aware that as a solo practioner, unless we have prearranged a contact time, and it is generally within business hours, she may not be available all the time by phone. I understand that. That's why we got Public Mental Health involved. But Case Manager (M) is of course only available 9-5, Mon - Fri. And although there is a Triage Line, it is staffed by people I don't know, who don't know me..and I find it incredibly difficult to talk in this situation. Naturally, the times when I am most likely to crack up, are evenings and nights, when the MH support I am comfortable with, is for the most part unavailable.

Anyway. It does kind of validate one thing that she said, about containment, and phone calls providing me with less of a feeling of having to struggle through on my own. I may not have got a hold of her tonight, but I know she will be calling tomorrow, so I just have to hold out until then. By that point I'll either feel a bit better, or I can talk to her about it. 12-14 hours isn't that far off. But if I had to wait until Monday at 3.30pm, it would be a lot harder to keep myself together.

My biggest fear, is that this is my knee jerk reaction, not just to being alone, but to being alone for a long enough period, that I can act on impulses without any risk of discovery. Up until this point lil sis was usually in the house most evenings and nights, or else her ex and his brother were, which was somewhat of a discouraging factor. Now it looks like little sis will probably head to the coast most weekends, which leaves me with a lot of opportunity, at least until we get a housemate. Sigh. So, hanging in there. I got what I wanted...not so sure I want it anymore.


  1. Hang in there, Ophelia! Coping independently is hard, but ultimately rewarding. It's a big challenge for me, too.

  2. Hey hun, sorry you're not feeling too good and this may come to late to make you feel better. I understand how you feel, as I have been in your exact situation many times. I used to live alone, actually did so for 11 years and I hated nights and weekends because I had no one I could call on during those times. When I felt bad I would SI or take pills as well. It's just so so horrible feeling so alone, and even feeling alone when you have people around. SI is hard to get out of your head when it pops in and I know how it can make you feel better, even for a short time. That's why it's so addictive. I'm so glad I don't have it in my life anymore but it was so so so hard to ignore. I just want you to know I'm here and I understand and I hope hope hope you're okay!