Sunday, February 7, 2010

I need a break

To start off with, let it be said I am a bit of a sad case.  I am not good at walking away from people who are in trouble, even if I can't help, without feeling incredibly guilty. Such is the case with (F) who I spoke about a few posts ago. She made some bad choices and misused her medication which resulted in us having a head on collision with another car last saturday because she drove on the wrong side of the road. It was at that point that I realised I had to distance myself a little,  as I didn't think I could do anything to help, and it was potentially quite damaging for me to have contact with her at this time. But I still think about her, and worry about whether she is going to be ok, whether she will be able to kick this addiction. Wish I could do more to help her. So I logged onto Facebook this evening, and realised she had de-friended me. Which is good news, as it means a) that she is still alive b) she is not in hospital (although am not sure this is actually good, maybe a treatment program wouldbe the best place?) and c) I probably shouldn't be looking at her facebook anyway, if I have made the choice to take a little distance. But it also makes me sad, about the loss, (potentially permanent) of what was a good and important friendship to me. So, will resist the urge to call and check on her, and instead just send my positive thoughts. Keep safe (F) and I hope you can find the strength to realise that you are worth fighting for and that you have been strong enough to kick a drug habit before, and you are strong enough now. I really wish nothing but the best for you and your precious bub. And if this is the end of our friendship, I am still grateful for the good times we've had and the support we've been able to give each other. I'm sorry I could not do more.

Speaking of being a pushover, am still pretty damned annoyed with lil sis, who refuses to do much to help at all. She did cook dinner tonight, but barely lifted a finger to help with the four day long spring clean. Sigh. I have always done the lion's share of the housework and it usually doesn't bother me that much, but I think its just a cumulative thing, with everything that's been going on, particularly in the last week, my tolerance for annoyance and agitation is at an all time low. As the song says "Everything you say to me, takes me one step closer to the edge, and Im about to BREAK" I just really need a few days of no drama and a bit of time and space to myself to start gaining a bit of my tenuous equilibrium back.

At any rate looks like the ex has gotten all of his stuff and he has handed keys back, so that is one less thing to worry about. Therapist (D) is due back from her conference tomorrow afternoon and I have a session booked for Tuesday morning. And visit to NeuroDoc on Wednesday. At some point tomorrow I need to contact the university re:dropping my subjects without academic penalty. Oh, and I also have to break up with boyfriend...more about that too tired to explain. More than anything I would like to just bury myself under the duvet and ignore the world for a few days. Or as Miss Lola would suggest, run away to a deserted island. I am over people, the real life ones at any rate. I need a break.

P.S. I checked Google Analytics today and I am getting quite a few visitors everyday from all sorts of different places. Feel free to comment or just say hi. Its kind of weird writing to a silent audience. As another song goes "And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd, Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud" Anna Nalick Breathe Well....screaming somedays, mostly just whinging

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