And back in therapy land.....

Very little sleep again last night. Nothing new there. I headed out the door to meet with Case Manager (M) an hour or so early, so I could stop at some furniture stores on the way. Little sis and I own most of the stuff in the house, but her ex will be taking a few items with him which need to be replaced, including the dresser in my room. So, I killed some time looking for replacements. Headed across to the horrible, depressing metal health building. Usually (M) will come and see me at my house, which is lovely of her, but today she was pretty busy and just could not go away. God, that place makes my hypervigilance kick into overdrive... but these things happen, so off I went. I'm pretty jittery at the moment due to a lack of meds, as well as just my fairly consistent state of anxiety due to living situation, so there was much jiggling, twitching, hand pulling and shallow breathing... ho hum. Was a pretty fruitful appointment. I managed to speak through some of the craziness going on in my life at the moment, which was quite a relief, really... just to get it off my chest. BossPsych Doc, agreed to increase my Serepax for a short while, after talking with (M) about the current stressors in my life, which should hopefully calm some of the jitteriness. Just need to wait on the script change to be lodged at the pharmacy. (I'm only allowed a week's worth at a time at the moment...ho hum) She also had managed to make an appointment with the dentist for me in March (they have some sort of program running between Mental Health and the Dentistry Program, and after smashing my front teeth in by introducing my face to a tiled floor a few years back, I have some pretty major dental work that needs doing, that I just can't afford to get done through a private practice. She also gave me some information about a Respite House for people with Mental Health Issues in the area, as a place I could consider going as an alternative to Hospital in the future. They allow 4 days stay at a time, in a house that has a 24 hour carer. Guest only pay $15 a day to cover food. I'm not sure its for me, but I'll think about it if that time comes again. Other than the practicalities, it was just a nice, long chat about the general state of things. She had some interesting things to say, in her ever so Pollyanna way (although I'm sure I almost got a "sh*t" out of her at the beginning, that she quickly turned into an "awful". Giggle.) We did speak about how if I get into a similar state to last Thursday again, I really needed to call her, as it was her job to step in, in such situations. I replied that at times like that, I really didn't want her to step in (in the moment). She replied something to the effect of "But you have to, because its my job to step in, and if you don't let me, I'll feel like an awful Case Manager if something happens, you don't want that, do you?". It sounds awfyl written down, but really was quite funny in the moment as was quite transparent and she was smiling. I retorted "Nice. Guilt trip the client who already has a guilt complex!!" and we had a bit of a laugh.

Therapy was a 3.30pm over the other side of town. I had another session today, (in addition to yesterday's) as (D) is going to be on a conference from Thursday through to Monday. Worst still, its overseas! She told me yesterday, that she had found out that her phone does not have International Roaming, and that it was a bit complicated to get it, and that she also may not have email access. I was quite suprised a)that she was concerned about it, I really wouldn't expect to be contactable or to contact me whilst overseas and b) given how angry I was with her last Thursday, how much I was actually concerned that she was leaving. Its only for a few days, for God's sake! Pull yourself together, self! I think we were both just aware of the fact that the rest of this week is likely to continue to be rocky, at least until sis's ex leaves. But, she is going to call me tomorrow morning, (M) is aware that (D) will be away and I can always call her during the day, and other than that I'll just have to deal. Anyway, by this afternoon jitteriness had reached phenomenal heights and I was really quite agitated and very disconnected from myself. I still am, things just seem surreal. The problem with that is, when I get disconnected my censor seems to turn off and I end up blurting out things I may otherwise have held back. (D) contends this is a good thing.... I'm not so sure! We back off speaking about "Last Thursday" or really anything too deep, as my brain was just not equipped to handle that right now... its more necessary to focus on keeping a reasonably steady keel in the current crisis. To be honest, I can't remember what we talked about for the most part. A little about how triggering the current dynamics of the house are for me. Some about how offices that don't have personal effects make me nervous, as I tend to use people's "stuff" as another way to assess how safe they were. Apparently in one of the first sessions I had with her, I said something about how she didn't have a plant in the the office, and how it made me think, if she couldn't keep a plant alive, how would she keep me alive. Leap of logic I know, but that's just how my weird little mind works. She caught me looking at the tissue box as well, which this time had a tranquil ocean scene on it. I had mentioned in a previous session how the tissue box (with Dali-type clocks melting down the side, of course designed by some stupid drug company, sleeping meds I think) was somewhat disconcerting. I'm stupid like that. I'll often straighten the tissue box in the middle of a conversation, as its lack of symmetry disturbs me. There is often other things I would like to straighten or correct, but this is the only little concession I allow myself. I think its me exerting as sense of control into the room. I used to do the same thing with DrB's (prev Psych Doc's) window cushions. I couldn't begin a session till they were straightened. Anyway, session went ok, although my agitation was climbing. My sister commented upon picking me up (usually I bus and train home, which gives me time to pull myself together) that I seem to come out of therapy worse than when I go in... which is true, but I think quite normal? I usually fly out of the sessions as fast as I can!! I did mention to her that I was concerned how I would go in her absence, which is a big thing for me, I really hate the idea of depedence...ugh, makes my stomach churn even thinking about it now. But as I left the room, I wished her a nice trip. Unfortunately it came out, sounding to me rather saracstic and petulant, which was not how I meant it.... I was being genuine. I wonder whether she heard the same tone I did. Cringe. Anyhow. Relatively quiet on the home front, some minor flareups but nothing unbearable. I spent the evening manically rearranging and tidying my room. I now haver my art desk, supplies and my photography equipment all togther and straightened up. My electronic stuff as well. My goal for this week is to get out and do some photography, which is something I haven't done in a while. I was thinking of heading into the Botanic Gardens to do it, when I have to pick my pills up from the city on Thursday. If I take anything worth posting, I might put it up. So, in summary, doing ok though very jittery and manic-y. As a final note, I will share some song lyrics that keep going through my head at the moment which are actually probably a little appropriate?

You would not believe your eyes

If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave tear drops everywhere
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and Stare


I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns, slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause everything is never as it seems