Sunday, December 20, 2009

Trying not to

Two posts in one day. A little bit of overkill I guess. But I am putting all my effort into trying not to do something silly right now, so maybe if I put it out here in black and white, it will force me to behave myself. So what I didn't write about in my earlier post is my little bit of stupidity last night. I reached the end of my tether. I was (am) so very very tired. I took my sleeping medication, and then I took a little extra, and when that didn't work I took some more. End result, I passed out for a little bit, woke up and stumbled, crawled my way to the bathroom, where I proceeded to throw my guts up in a most spectacular fashion. Then, world spinning, I made my way back to my bedroom, and passed out for a little longer... all up I probably slept about 5 or 6 hours. But it didn't really make me feel rested.... (because it would take more than 5 hours sleep to catch up? because it was drug induced unconciousness rather than real sleep? I don't know.) It really just made the fatigue harder to deal with today, because my brain felt like sticky molasses. BUT, even if I didn't get 'real sleep' I did get 5 or 6 hours of blessed unawareness. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't in any danger of really have to take bucketloads of benzos and probably wash it down with a good deal of alcohol to achieve that.... but it was more than anyone would safely prescribe, probably more than was entirely safe for my body, and admittedly quite risky. But the oblivian was nice, and it is tempting to do the same thing again tonight. I tried calling my therapist but could not get through, I didn't leave a message, as I just really can't face answering machines. I tried calling the Triage line, but hung up when they answered, i just couldn't face talking to a stranger. So where does this leave me? I don't want to talk to friends in the frame of mind I'm in, because I don't think I could hide the depths of what I am really feeling right now. I've been running through my crisis plan top to bottom, and then starting right back up at the top again. I've even been reading "How I stayed Alive when my brain was trying to Kill me", in the hopes of picking up something to sustain me from there. I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow. I definately don't want to tell her about some of my crazy behaviour this weekend. I want to just slip back into the murky nothingness for a while.... but I'm trying not to.

1 comment:

  1. I've been trying to think of something to say to this post, but I just can't think what to say. I'm taking that as a sign that there are probably no adequate words O, but I can't just leave this post without comment. This is horrible, this place is horrible. I hope you are able to be honest, even if it is just to share the burden. Don't carry it all inside O, suicide ideation is too heavy to carry alone.

    Lola x