Friday, December 18, 2009

Pummelled. stabbed, stretched and electrocuted

I am pretty bloody tired. I did not sleep at all last night, and I'm just kind of hoping now that a big seizure will come along and knock me right out. Taking another's advice, I decided to give myself some treats today, so I went and got my hair cut, along with the lovely head massage they give with the hair conditioning treatment, went and got some acupuncture and a massage done, and then finally went and got a manicure with (F). To be honest I haven't really done anything to deserve such treatment, but it helped to reduce my anxiety a little.

The acupuncturist was different from my normal guy, and attached me to this machine that fed electric pulses through the needles, which was actually quite painful, but I must admit a little pain was kind of relieving. Nonetheless my muscles are feeling a little less tied in knots than they were before.

So, starting from the beginning, Case Manager (M) came around yesterday morning. We spoke mostly about the insomnia, and some of the unpleasant consequences of it. We spoke briefly about my sleep hygiene, but there was really not much there that I could change. She did query whether perhaps backing off on the therapy for a little while might help, but I guess I kind of think, eventually I have to go through it all, and its going to have the same negative aspects to it whether I do it now or later, so I don't really see the point in putting it off. We tried to work out if there were any particular unusual stresses or triggers that were exacerbating the problem, but to be honest, there isn't really anything that can account for it.  She did a quick suicidality assessment, and realised, I think, the depth of how low and helpless I am feeling underneath it all. This line of questioning is always difficult. There is not much point in being dishonest, that is not going to do me and good, but there is also I reluctance to share particular details as far as planning and dates, because it feels safe (in a f*cked up way) to have that little plan that you, and you alone are privy too. So its always a bit of an internal arguement when trying to decide how much to share. She did ask me about timeframes, and I did not answer at first. But then she quite firmly reminded me that it was important information for her to know in order to do her job properly, so I quite reluctantly shared the date with her. (Which I am not going to put on here, as I don't think that is very fair of me) Our plan of action for now, is to make it through Xmas etc, and reevaluate in the New Year. She did mention the idea of hospitalisation at a later date if it is needed, but I think she realises that I am not going to do anything over the Xmas period, as I couldn't do that to my family. I really quite bulk at the idea of hospitalisation and don't think its particularly helpful, other than to immediately save me from myself, but I don't think it has any real long term benefit, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. The other option is to go with the Private clinic that therapist (D) has suggested previously. It apparently has a better program, actual inpatient therapy and a more individualised approach to inpatients. Hospitalisation in a private hospital would only cost me a $250 excess, but I would have to become a patient of one of the Gap Cover Private PsychDoc's who have admitting privileges. And that's where the expense comes in, if I leave the Public system, I will have to pay out of pocket for a Private Psych, probably once a month, and Health insurance doesn't cover that, and Medicare only covers a portion.  But then, in my experience the private PsychDocs tend to be a bit more flexible and creative when it comes to meds, and perhaps a private PsychDoc could come up with a solution to help support through the sleep issue, until the underlying issues exacerbating it are resolved through therapy (if it is possible for them to be....sigh) But, I'm putting the cart before the horse, hopefully it doesn't come to that.

After that I had my appointment across town with Therapist (D) We skirted around the issue of my 'visual disturbances' which I really did not want to talk about. We also, of course went over what happened in the session on Monday, when she notice me baulk when she started to talk about me being angry with her. She asked if I could share with her what the voices were saying inside my head at the time, which of course I couldn't. It was a long and pretty fruitless session (through no fault of hers, I was just finding it really difficult to speak)We did talk for quite a while at the end about trust and expectations. I explained that I found it really hard to believe that she truly was as universally supportive and understanding as she attempts to be, and that eventually, she was just going to get frustrated at my inability to meet the expectations. She espoused, that she didn't think I was failing to meet expectations. After some direct and slightly agressive questioning about what her expectations were, she finally answered that "I show up, and I try my best to share as much as I can". They are some pretty flimsy expectations. I'm not going to get very far if all I do is show up and know, unless it gets a bit difficult, and then its ok, to sit in silence and waste her time! I was taking quite a frustrated tone with her, but to be honest, I was more frustrated and angry with myself. I know that I am hanging on by a thread, and I know the only way to move away from this place I keep returning to is to push myself to enage more in the therapeutic process and sort this mess out once and for all. I don't have the space or time to twat about! And yet, I seem to be incapable of doing this, no matter how I berate or beat myself up over it. And I know the ONLY person who can change this is me.

So after therapy I had a date with Bachelor Number 1, which given my current frame of mind I would have gladly cancelled, only he had organised a suprise for me. He also asked whether I would stay the night at his place, so we could wake up together....arghhhhhhh! This is the last thing I wanted to be dealing with at this time. So, I called for some back up support, and the gentle kick up the arse that I needed from (K). There was no doubt about it I was just going to have to suck it up and go. And, I was going to have to really suck it up and have a conversation with him explaining about my sleep difficulties and some of the other issues that were making the idea of spending the night so terrifying. We went to a lovely Turkish restaurant and had a really nice dinner. And then he took me back to his apartment, where he had done the very cliched but sweet rose petals throughout the apartment, candles and chocolates and roses on the bed. (Double arggggggggh). Ok, breaks on. I took him outside and we had a discussion, but he convinced me to give the whole sleepover thing a chance. So he drifted off, and I spent the next hour lying next to him wide awake, worrying, amongst other things, that if I went to sleep I was going to have a nightmare and wake up screaming...way to freak I guy out. I needn't have worried, because I didn't have a nightmare... I didn't sleep full stop. He on the other hand slept like the dead. So after an hour or so, I extracted myself from the bed, and I went out on the balcony, where I spent the whole night, surfing away on the computer and watching the city lights dim and the sun come up over the river. I really should have taken a taxi home. I had told him I might have to. But I didn't want to dissapoint him. So instead I just stayed awake all night, and slipped back in beside him at about 6.30am. Sigh....I am pathetic.

So, thats my world in a nutshell....

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