Saturday, December 12, 2009

Everybody needs good neighbors

The universe just seems to be conspiring against me getting any peace in my own home. Sis and (ex)bf aren't screaming at each other for once. I think he is out actually. But the neighbors are having a rip roarer of an arguement filled with all sorts of nice expletives. Unfortunately my bedroom is on the same side as their house, and it is way too hot to close the window, so I can only hope they wind it up soon. I hope this isn't going to be a regular occurance. They have just moved in, and the guy has been quite friendly and invited us over a few tims, which is very weird in big city I live in. You just don't really talk to your neighbors, but a nice gesture on his behalf anyway. I am in a fairly antisocial frame of my mind, so I haven't taken them up on it.

Suprisingly, I am finding when I go to work, I am able to shed the more antisocial and anxiety ridden elements of my personality, and just let the job that needs to be done distract me. Today was a very busy day, with a lot of book ins and departures, and general enquiries from the residents keeping me on my toes for the whole shift. And tomorrow looks to be as busy... I am doing a double shift tomorrow, but am not too worried because, as I've said it is a good distraction and plus, the house is air conditioned which is a huge bonus given the current weather.

There were also, once again some sad elements to the day. Talking with the couple that lost one of their twin bubs, as they continue to process the situation, and booking in a family whose bub has sustained pretty serious head injuries from a car crash. I am trying to make sure I only talk about these things in the most abstract of terms to ensure the confidentiality of the residents, although I don't feel its much of an issue given this blog is anonymous and you all don't even know what city or state I live in. Still is a line that I have to be aware of..

I tried talking to my sister last night about the bub who passed. It wasn't like I was unnaturally upset over or anything, but it was sad and I just wanted to talk about it a little to kind of process it for myself. But I hit the wall of her emotional withdrawal pretty heavily. And she basically just asked me why I was doing the job if it was going to upset me. I got pretty frustrated, and snapped at her and ended up storming out of the room. I didn't want anything from her, other than just a few minutes of listening. I wasn't over the top upset or anything, I just wanted to talk about it a little bit, because of course it touches you when you sit there and listen to a parents grief over such a thing, you would have to be pretty unfeeling for it not too. But I don't think that it was making me wig out in such a way, that would merit her insinuating that it was just not something that someone like me could cope with and I should just not do it. If anything, the volunteer work has been, on a whole, quite good for me.. its a good distraction, less time for navel gazing, its a gentle reminder that there is a lot of people going through a lot worse than I am and it makes me feel like I am finally doing something productive and worthwhile again, which is good for my self esteem. The residents at the house know nothing of my issues, instead I am able to be a strong shoulder, an open ear and a caregiver... all good things for them, and me.

I guess in some ways, quite unfairly, I am really annoyed with therapist (D) for the feelings that she unearthed on Thursday. I generally don't snap at lil sis, but I am feeling quite an illogical anger towards her since Thursday. I don't see that its particularly productive and I don't really know what to do with it. I understand intellectually that it is not (D) who has created this feeling, rather she just tapped into something that was obviously lying somewhat dormant in me, but I guess its a bee hive I'd rather she hadn't beaten with a stick, and I hope that we can just leave it be now, so that the feelings die down again. As I've said, I don't see that it is particularly productive, and the presence of these feelings is just making me uncomfortable and unnecessarily upset. IMO. But what do I know, huh? Maybe this is just the invalidating part of me, trying to supress and rightful emotion? I think that's what she would say anyway. Sigh.

Anyway, am pulling a double shift tomorrow, so best see whether I can get a few hours shut eye.

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