Tuesday, December 1, 2009


It was my mantra. All week. Just hold out till monday. Well, monday, has come and gone and I still am left feeling as though I am teetering on the edge of a precipice. I am humiliated. Therapist (D) called me last night to try and help me deal with the intense suicidal ideation I am experiencing. And I begged her to tell me that I shouldn't do it, that it would make me a terrible person to do it. Strangely, I just seemed to need somebody to bawl me out, to tell me how incredibley selfish my thinking was being, because my own chastisment was not enough. Of course, she wouldn't say it. And I can understand why. All she would say is that she didn't want me to do it. We spoke about things I could do, and we decided just to focus on resting, even if I can't sleep. So breathing exercises, acknowledging the existence of the voices when they distracted me and then getting back on task. I wasn't incredibley successful, but I guess it is just a matter of practicing.

Mindtools has a very easy to follow guide to deep breathing http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_05.htm

It covers PMR, which has always been the one that I have felt comfortable with.

I'm still struggling, still exhausted, still very fragile, still just trying to get through a moment at a time. Still hoping that eventually I will begin to see there is a hope that life, will not always be the never ending cycle of slowly creeping up only to be slammed down. I am trying. Thats the best I can do right now.

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