Back on the couch

Its been a while since I talked about what was going on in therapy, which was of course what this blog was intended for in the first place. So, today I arrived at therapy two hours early (a combination of the heat and insomnia fuelled fatigue mushed my brain to the point where I got my times mixed up) so I spent two hours sitting in the air conditioned pub next door, drinking diet coke and reading a book that was loaned to me by Consumer Advocate (K). How I kept myself alive when my brain was trying to kill me (definately a post on that one when I've had a chance to read a bit more. I'm pretty damned exhausted, and I guess wasn't feeling up to a big, messy session, so we had a bit of a therapist/resistant client duel going on. Sidestep a question here, answer another question with a question there, and the proverbial favourite answer of all avoidant clients 'I don't know'. We talked a little bit about 'Game face' and how I used it to get through the weekend, and my date on thursday night with Bachelor number one. And then she asked if I had Game face on right then in therapy, to which I answered honestly, yes. Trickily, she asked if I was to leave Game Face at the door, what would that look like, to which I answered (aha! Don't think you can get me that easily!!!) "Now what would be the point of me using all my energy putting Game face on today, if I was to answer that question?" (Off the cuff defense!!) She laughed, and realised she wasn't going to get to far with anything heavy today, so changed tacts. We talked a little about a hallucination that I had a few days ago... I thought that maybe it was something to be worried about, but she told me not to be overly concerned with it. That given my current level of fatigue, it is not unexpected, and that these things can commonly happen as people are about to drift off to sleep, which I think I was, until I 'saw' a snake slither across my bed and scared the beejeezus out of myself! So that was comforting to know, that I'm not slipping into some new level of madness. We talked some about an idea that sprouted in a converstion with (K) this morning, where I mused if there was a scale of fucked-upedness, would where I placed myself along the spectrum, differ from where other people would put me. I came to the conclusion that yes, objectively people would see me as 'coping' a lot better than I subjectively see myself. She asked (one of those magic 'if' questions) if I could choose where I sat along the spectrum where would I put myself. I answered that although I know the expected answer would be somewhere towards the top, but not right at the very top. The whole, your negative experiences can help to shape you in ways that someone who does not experience many obstacles is not, you need to experience the dark to appreciate the light and all that. But that if I was to be honest, I would prefer to be right at the top living a completely calm, neutral, content life with no gremlins in the closet to bother me. I went on further to elaborate how much it can irk you sometimes when people talk about all the things your experiences had taught you, and how they have shaped me into a more insightful, empathic person. Said at the wrong time, it can ring of platitude.... and in reality, I would far rather have come by insight and empathy a different way, thank-you very much! We spoke briefly about how the relationship was going with Bachelor Number one, and she tried to get me to tell her what happened all those weeks ago when I had my complete flipout in front of him, but I promptly erected my red light, no go there zone. All in all, was a session with interesting conversation on an intellectual level, but not much on a purely emotional level, which was actually pretty good for me today, as I have been a bit of a depressed amoeba for the past few sessions, and not even up for discussion on an intellectual level, let alone an emotional level. So at least I actually did a reasonable portion of the talking this week. The resistance is an issue, because eventually I am going to have to allow myself to be a bit more exposed and vunerable if I am to effect any change. But as today it was, a deliberate self preservation resistance, rather than the usual "I'm trying really hard to move past this block, but I just can't make myself let it go, and its very frustrating', I wasn't too bothered. Sometimes I think, its just not the day for 'therapy' as such, but the act of going and keeping up with the consistency of it, and even just touching base to confirm there is someone there to listen and who cares, is all that you need for that given moment. I will try harder on Thursday.

I have done a few volunteer shifts, and they rang me to do a further five in the next few weeks, so that has been some good distraction and much needed time away from the navel gazing. Uni work is slipping behind and I must catch up on assignment that is due on wednesday tonight and tomorrow. But as I was challenged by (K) today to try and practice beeing kinder to myself and not such a hard task master, I am going to temper the drudgery of assignment writing, with some kind of treat for myself if I can get a reasonable amount done in the morning. Haven't decided what yet though! :) Case Manager (M) will also be dropping round for a catch up. Haven't seen her since the panic attack last fortnight, and am kind of stomache churningly embarrassed at the though of seeing her again. But she is a professional and will have seen a hundred people freakout worse than I did, so I just need to get over myself a little.

Am a little worried that there may be some tension between her and therapist (D), as (D) is not very happy about their plan to discharge me from the service in January, and I think, said as much to (M) over the phone. But really, there is very little I can do about it, the decision has already been made, and I need to just get as much as I can out of the last few weeks of support, and worry about finding a new private PsycDoc, and establishing new safety net contacts in the New Year when it all goes ahead. Its not really my place to get in the middle of professional disagreements, even if they are about me. And as I said to (D) it doesn't pay to rock the boat too much in the Public sector, as you will quickly find yourself being labelled a difficult client, and then getting any kind of help is made a hundred times harder.

Sleep is still a major issue, and clouds so much of what goes on in my life... I'm riding somewhat of an exhaustion high at the moment, after the craziness of the weekend, but am aware that it is all somewhat of a facade, and the likelihood of a crash back to amoeba status is reasonabley high.... just going to keep up the 'fake it till you make it' routine as long as I humanly can before I crash. The voice, and the gremliny thoughts are still there chugging away pretty strongly in the background, but (fortunately, in some ways) I've just got too many commitments at the moment to allow them to take over completely.

Well, that's life in a nutshell. (no pun intended)