Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Why Bother

I dream of snakes crawling all over my body, being tied up and unable to get away. I dream of being held under water until my lungs are on fire and I feel like I am about to explode. I dream of carpets soaked with blood, and blood oozing out of walls. Sometimes I dream about what actually happened. I am tired, but I don't want to close my eyes and dream these dreams.

I have voices screaming inside my head. Telling me I'm an abomination, unclean, a burden to everyone who has the misfortune of coming into my life. Telling me that everyone just secretly wishes I would just end it. Telling me its all my fault. Telling me I'm selfish for sticking around and poisoning everybody that I love. I don't want to hear that voice. I can barely think straight its screaming so loud. I want to drink myself into oblivian just so I can have some peace and quiet in my own head. I'm trying desperately hard not to, but the bottle is beckoning.

I hate what I have become, I am weak and pathetic. I am barely alive. I so desperately want to cut, just to feel that burn, the relief of the poison flowing from me, the blood reminding me I am still alive. But I can't, I can't go back to that.

I am where I always return. I can see myself returning to this place over and over again. Each time foolishly believing that maybe I've figured out the way forward, only to come plummeting backwards again.

And if my dreams aren't enough, if the flashbacks and voices and the very scars that crisscross my heart aren't enough to remind me. Now I'm told, my past has left a physical legacy inside of me. Puts a whole new spin on the 'scars you don't see'. I have been referred to a specialist, who may want to cut me open to peer at the damage he left behind... why bother... just look into my eyes and you'll see it. Why bother at all?

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