Thursday, November 12, 2009

Run and Hide when I said no internet access for a week, I forgot about the beloved Golden Arches. I am in McDonalds Cafe stealing their internets!

Reality check. There were a multitude of reasons I came to the coast, but the one that matters the most at the moment is that I was running away... running away from life, running away from therapy, running away from Bachelor Number one, running away from that nasty mess of gremlins, so I wouldn't have to think or do anything about them. Unfortunately, those damned gremlins packed themselves in my bag when I wasn't watching, and instead of gazing mindlessly at the ocean as I sunbathed on a towel, I was just doing the same thing I always do, wrestling my demons, just with more exotic scenery than usual.

So... Bachelor number one. Funny, sweet, respectful, interesting, and for some reason he seems to really like me. Even after I completely wigged out on him last thursday, by not being able to say this is too fast for me, by not putting my boundaries up firmly, by dissasociating, and freaking him out quite substantially. But he was a good guy. He stopped what we were doing, he gave me space, he waited for me to come back into myself and calmed down. He walked me to the bus, sweetly kissed me on the lips and asked when he could see me next. That's all he asked. Not hey, what the hell just happened, or what the heck is wrong with you, you freak, just 'when can I see you again?".

And still, I can't just allow myself to believe he might be a good guy. So, I am yelling at myself "What the heck is wrong with you, you freak?!"

And then therapy on Monday. Of course she wanted to know how it went. I stated firmly that things had not gone as planned but I didn't want to talk about it. She did her usual little attempts at trying to get to the issue through the back door, but I successfully fought her off (Checkmate!) Why? Because I am humiliated and embarrassed and angry at myself, and I just didn't want her to know. And I didn't want to see her again on thursday, nor did I want to catch up with Bachelor number one any time soon... not because of them but me... So when this opportunity came up, I grabbed it and ran with it. But, its nearing the end of the week, I have bitten the bullets and organised to meet (B1) on saturday, and of course I have therapy on monday. Time to come out of hiding and suck it up Ophelia!

It did cause me to think however on the multitude of things we hide from our therapists out of just sheer embarrassment, even if we know them to be pertinent to the therapeutic journey.

Sex, is just not something I talk about easily with anyone, including my best friends, let alone a therapist. But sex plays an integral part in how I came to be so royally f*cked up, why I continue to act in f*cked up ways, so I kinda need to talk about it.

Any suggestions on how to get this issue out in the open between (D) and I would be very much appreciated.

P.S. The beach was lucky to live in Australia with beaches like that so close by... So I did get a bit of relaxation, and sleep was slightly better (I think its the sea air that does it)

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