Thursday, November 26, 2009

In my little box of sad

Obviously life is just not a bowl of cherries for me at the moment. But I'm trying, I am really trying. Had a meeting with Case Manager (M) at my house yesterday which was somewhat unproductive, as I was having a really overwhelming day, and was frankly, just not up to trying to cope with anything other than keeping myself safe in the moment. She tried to engage me in a discussion about things that I could do to help get through this period, and distract myself from the gremlins in my brain. But I was just so exhausted and at such a heightened level of anxiety, I couldn't engage. Ended up withdrawing almost completely, as I tried to stave off a panic attack, and in the end she ended up leaving without me even getting off the couch to escort her to the door.  I feel such a sense of shame, when my emotions overwhelm me to the point where I cannot even behave in a civilised manner.  And I am sure that she left with not a small amount of frustration at my inability to engage as pro-actively as I normally would try to do. In the end, I did have to drag myself out of my self imposed hermitude to go to a GP appointment that I nearly forgot about, but that in itself felt like I was running through fire, having to be in such a crowded place, when all I wanted to do was be at home under my duvet hiding from the world.  I spent a good portion of the day just trying to resist the pull of the vodka bottle and the blade.

Sleep still isnt coming easily, but have had to try and pull myself together somewhat as I have training at the Ronald McDonald House tomorrow, and although I don't feel capable of facing the world or life in general at this moment, I know in my heart it is something I really want to do, and when (if) this passes I will be incredibley dissapointed if I screwed it up, in the midst of one of my plunges into darkness. The same goes for my uni work, although I am completely apathetic at the moment, if and when I do get through this I know I won't want to have backed myself into a corner where I have to start all over again.

That's the tricky part. At the moment life feels pretty shit, and there doesnt feel as though there is much hope of it getting better.  But I know from past experience that if I let everything slide, I will regret it in the future, fuelling the depression even more.

So, today, i have begun to try and pull myself up by the bootstraps and do what needs to be done. I've been trying to use my CBT bag of tricks. Self monitering isnt yeilding up much help. I don't know whether its a lack of insight or what, but I just honestly can't pinpoint the thought or event that are inducing my anxiety. It just seems to wash over me in waves, for no rhyme or reason. Sure there are mitgating circumstances at the moment, my therapists week off has left me feeling less contained then normal, the house is very tense because of the breakup, (Sisters ex is still living here, and nobody is communicating), and the holiday season is approaching, but specific triggers for the immediate emotion, well I just can't figure it out.

I am trying to cognitively restructure my negative thoughts. When I think of xmas, I keep telling myself that I am catastrophising an event that hasnt happened yet, and that even if there is the normal all out war, I can choose to disengage from it. When thinking about the house situation, I am telling myself that once again I can choose not to engage in the dysfunction, but continue as if everything is normal, and if and when we need to seek new housemate, I will deal with it. I am telling myself that feeling so abandoned with therapist away is a normal reaction within the therapeutic relationship and given my history of people letting me down when the going gets tough, but that (D) hasn't done that, and she will be back on monday, and she has repeatedly and steadfastly given her comittment to be there for the duration. I am telling myself that it is ok to have the thoughts of destructive behaviour and suicidal ideation because I have shown in the last few years an ability to resist the urge and reach out for help when things go to far. I am telling myself, that sleep will come eventually, and I just have to wait it out, the more anxiety I put into it the less likely it will be easily achieved........

Sigh... Anyway. Just taking a day at a time at the moment. Tomorrow I have three goals. 1) to make it to the training session, it is only a short bus trip and hour long session, I can pull myself together for that. 2) to catch up with friend (F) for a drink and a chat, because I know that social isolation is part of the downhill spiral for me, we will find somewhere quiet and out of the way. 3) to finish listening to this weeks uni lectures online, as I need to start preparing for the first test next week.

Baby steps.... I'll just fake it till I make it.

*Case Manager did not just walk out and leave me as a quivering wreck. She rang back later that afternoon to see how i was coping, which was still not very well. She is off for the rest of the week, but she did try to offer to get one of her colleagues to call me for the next few days to check in. I refused, as I know I cannot talk to people I don't know, and I would just lie and say I was fine and it would be a waste of everybodies time. She did however say, even though she isn't seeing clients next week that she would ring on monday to see how I am going. For all the issues I have with the 'system', and despite our somewhat rocky start, she is genuine and empathetic and I think she does try to do the best she can for her clients within the restrictions she is given... it must be a very hard and frustrating job.

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