Alone and angry

The problem with developing therapeutic relationships with your various peeps in the mental health teams, is that you come to rely on it a little too much. In many ways, its a wonderful thing to be able to rely on somebody to help you sort out those nasty gremlins or simply talk you down when you are spinning out. Somebody who is experienced, somebody who can help carry the burden for a little while, when you feel to weary to go on, somebody who you begin to feel (unlike your family friends) can handle it, without it being too much of an emotional infringement on them.

And why, is it not an enfringement? Simply... boundaries. The boundaries of time and space, the boundaries of a professional relationship. My crisis plan allows for me to reach out if needed to a variety of different people both on the public team and my private psych (D). And this works well if my little spin outs happen between 9-5, Monday-Friday. I can talk to Case Manager (M), try and get a hold of (D) between appointments or even try to get a hold of consumer consultant (K). Its still very hard some times for me to reach out to these people at times, I feel like I am being a burden. I feel like I should be able to buffer my own emotions and draw on my own resiliency in times of stress. But I have begun to, and benefited from access to these people in times of crisis.

The big issue for me is the times after 5pm or on the weekend. The plan wold have me call upn a crisis line that is staffed by mental health professionals. But these are not the people that I have slowly and delicately begun to build trust in. These are not the people who already know some of my stories. I try it, but it just doesn't work. Of course, I can always try (D) after hours but the few times I have done this, she has either been unavailable or else if available, I just feel so incredibley guilty for interrupting 'her time.'

So, relevance? Well its happening right now. Its late on a friday night, and I am panicing, I am having serious thoughts of self harm... I am so angry with myself, and I don't know what to do with it. So I want to cut, badly, even though I've managed to not do it in years, the urge is there, and the urge is strong. But I just can't seem to contemplate ringing the crisis line, and I don't want to ring (D) and interrupt her weekend.

So it time to pull myself together, draw on my own strength, and suck it up....