Friday, November 6, 2009

Ok, so obviously last night when I got home was not in the best of moods. Dating.... lots of baggage there.

But anyways... therapy yesterday.

Yesterdy the focus was primarily on my experiences as an infant. Yup... you wouldn't think that there would be a heck of a lot to talk about, seeing as I obviously can't remember what life was like as a new born or a 6 month old. I suppose, the idea is basically, to go back in time and find where the fissures in "normal emotional development" occured, and build me back up form the bottom upwards.

So we pretty much worked from what I've been told by family members.

1) My birth coincided with my parents divorce

2) My birth preceeded a lengthy and debilitating depression in my mother (probably would have been diagnosed with clinical post natal depression today)

3) My mother admitted to me that she did not feel as though 'I was hers' or that "I belonged to her at this time'

4) I was an incredibly placid baby

5) There is pretty much no record of my babyhood (photos, mementos ect) compared to my sisters who seem to have quite a lot.

So, what does this mean... well.. if you look at Erikson's Developmental stages, infancy is a stage of trust vs mistrust, (sound like a common theme in my life) and Therapist (D) highlighted how, without the security of knowing that my needs would be met (with a mother that was often unable to do so, at least on an emotional level) I never had the building blocks or foundation if you will, to start learning how to trust, and with each breach of trust throughout my life, that already fragile ability became more and more fragmented. So.... that was the session.

The only other thing that was a bit strange to realise, is exactly how much I am emotionally discontected to that, and other emotional experiences in my life. My therapist (D) experienced more sadness when talking about what life would have been like for that baby, whereas I just felt little connection before.

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