Just another number

So, in my self indulgent melancholy yesterday I didn't really chat much about my therapy session.  Therapist (D) is off for a week now, so it will be a week and a half before I see her again, which is a little daunting.  We spent a good part of the session talking about the Crisis Management Plan, that the Public Health system has written for me, to be CC'd to the hospital ect just in case I ever need admission. She seemed to think that the person they were talking about in the plan had very little resemblance to me. I basically think, its just a piece of paper, another piece of paperwork to pad up my file that noone will ever bother reading anyway. The only significance it had to me, was just a reminder that I am being pushed out of the nest, and as far as the extra support that was lacking back in August, its just going to be there again. Step forward one, step backward one. Case Manager said that she could try and get as much flexability as she could, but there was a lot of pressure to close files. I pondered whether this had anything to do with BabyDocs sudden decision to scale medication right back. Their final recommendation is that I find a private psychiatrist. As I am already paying for a private psychologist and private health insurance, I'm not quite sure where I am supposed to pull the money for this out.

(D) asked whether the situtation made me angry, and I replied, that I couldn't let it get to me. The girl with a background of trauma and self harm is already ear marked as a PD before she even walks in the door. Having an opinion, causing too much of a fuss is a sure way to ensure that diagnosis is stamped right across my forehead, whether my concerns are valid and rational or not.  Questioning BabyDocs medication decisions too much, will brand me as a drug seeker (which I am far from).When it comes to mental health it doesn't pay to buck the system, if you want to recieve any help at all. So you keep quiet. And hope that the path they are pulling you along doesn't lead to disaster. that's all you can do. (D) admitted that with her previous experience in the public sector, I had pretty much hit the nail on the head.

I never wanted to be back in the public health 'machine', but until my Private health insurance kicks in for psychiatric cover in May, its all that I can afford. And its necessary. As a solo practitioner there is only so much support (D) can be reasonabley expected to offer.and with the nature of the therapy I'm undergoing with her, there are going to be times when the therapeutic work coupled with life situations are going to pull the carpet from underneath me. So, as I said to her, for now, Public Health is a saftey net, one filled with gaping holes, but at least there is a chance with it, that if I fall, I may not plummet to the ground smashing to smithareens. The imminent loss of that saftey net terrifies me. And I have recieved some quite positive support from the public health system in the form of my Case Manager and the Consumer Advocate

And I don't even blame the people either. They too are part of the machine, pushed to reach certain targets ect. Its a result of the Australian medical system approaching the American system, where some bean counter arbitarily decides what amount of time they are prepared to allow for you to 'get better', and past that...no funding.

So where does that leave me, come the new year? Just another number.