Tuesday, November 17, 2009

BabyDoc visit

Appointment with Public Health Psych tomorrow, or as I like to call him BabyDoc. Fresh into the field and all Bambi-eyed trying to deal with all the crazies around him. Its not that I dislike him, he is.... benign. And in the scheme of the public system I don't really fit into the "high triage" catergory. I'm not psychotic or delusional ect. So, he sees me every month or so at the moment, and throws whatever drugs work with 'people like me'. Cos we're all the same you know. Tick box, tick box, take this drug a, and if that doesn't work well you're just not working hard enough! Maybe I'm being a little harsh. He does take the time to try and talk to you I guess, even if it does come off uber-patronising. I guess its just a different experience to having a private psychiatrist for five years. Tomorrow probably wont bring about any major change, and to be honest, I do kind of believe, whilst I need the meds as a crutch while I'm working this stuff out in therapy, meds are not the holy grail for me.

And, it is also partly my fault. I am not comfortable enough to be completely honest with him... so I am evasive. So I will probably leave the office without him knowing that:
1. The urge to self harm is particularly strong right now (although I am thus far, resisting that urge)
2. I am sleeping about 3 hours a night
3. The noise in my head is getting so bad it actually wakes me up, and sometimes when people are talking to me I can't actually hear what they're saying.
4. I must put on a damned good show of being together, cos everyone tells me how great I'm doing. Meanwhile I've still got a plan, and a date. And with every month that passes it gets closer, without any real progress appearing to give me hope.

In fact, my Case Manager and Psychologist don't know most of this either. Who am I kidding? I'm paving my own road to hell, and there is noone to blame but myself.

So, thats why I don't really expect much from BabyDoc


  1. *sighs* aside from the medical input or lack thereof, you could have been reading my mind at the moment O. Sorry things are so bad for you at the moment, but you are coping to a degree, even if that's a touch self defeating, it's impressive to say the least. I sometimes wonder what would happen if people could really see properly inside our heads. How frightening that would be to compare inside to outside.

    Stay safe, safe as you can.

    Lola x

  2. Thanks Lola... I'm sorry things have been going so poorly for you too. Did you manage to find out if your family had actually accessed your blog? Has made me very paranoid, I can tell you! Try and keep your safe as well.