The life I should have led

Things still feeling pretty crap here in crapsville. The word hospitalistion still being bandied around willy nilly. Service User (me) still being fairly resistant to the idea. I'm sure will be discussed in session tomorrow, and on phone with Case Manager. Sigh.

On other fronts, another little nasty popped its head up today. Jealousy. Yes, the little green-eyed monster is demanding her pound of flesh from me too.

See, i had a plan. Finish my degree, and then head across to the UK to teach, and travel through Europe, maybe put in a little time teaching in Japan. I would be away 2 years in all. I was saving the money, was 3/4 of the way through my degree, had spoken with recruiters...all was on track.

And then, my world came crashing down... first with the opening of the pandora's box of PTSD, and then a few months later with diagnosis of epilepsy. In the years that followed, life just seemed to boot me back down every time I seemed to be climbing my way out of the mud.... multiple hospitalisations both neurological and psychological, overdose, breakup with abusive, druggie ex, blah blah blah (insert victim mentality here)

I hope someday to still follow my plan. To visit my mum's birthplace in scotland, to see the classic architecture of rome and greece, to walk through fields of sunflowers in tuscany (insert corny travel brochure here). But it will be a while. A while before I'm up to working enough to save for the flight across the pond, a while before my degree is finished, a while before my mentalness and epilepsy are stabilised enough for me to head off to foreign lands.

Today my little sister boarded a plane for her European Tour. I am happy for her. She works hard, and she deserves this. I'm also jealous as hell....

Not to quote Shannon Noll, but "What about me?"