Jagged little pills

As I've commented... its a really rough time of year for me. And after trying to stay as clear as I could of psychiatric drugs for a while, after my recent hospitalisation, I am back on the pill express... Despite my anxieties around taking these meds (over-reliance, side-effects, the medicalisation of my condition, essentially placing me in the 'sick' role) I have to admit they are doing me some good. I'm handling this approaching anniversary a lot better than some of the previous ones.

There is one more handy little benefit to the drugs.... because I am on so many at the moment, I am constantly worried about taking the wrong one at the wrong time, or else taking too much ect. So I have bought on of those little granny pill boxes, you know the ones that you dispense all your meds in for the week... less fuss, less stress.... and when I'm actually doling out the weeks pills, kinda soothing. I guess it feeds into my slight 'control freak' tendencies. But I get to pop all the pretty little pills out of their packets and bottles, and place them all pretty and multi-coloured in the right spot. It takes quite a while... 11 tablets a night, 5 or 6 in the morning depending on the day... but buggered, if it doesn't take the edge off almost as much as taking the darn pills themselves! I wonder if this is what its like for everyone?

Got through today, reasonably well... mainly by keeping myself out of the house between GP at 8.30am and Therapy at 2pm. Just sat in cafes and the square and people watched, listened to my MP3 player, went for little walks... was around people but not interacting with them, which I guess was the safest way to go.... might try the same thing tomorrow. Case Manager also called and checked in with me twice, so felt quite contained.

Tomorrow is D-Day..... Just writing that has my heart rate racing. The plan at this stage is a morning call from Case Manager, short walk, 11 am meet with Case manager, lunch in an anonymous cafe, coffee at 1pm with a close friend (F), call to therapist between 3 and 5pm, off to friend (S) for dinner, movie and sleepover, and then horseback riding the next day. Hopefully this will be enough to contain me, keep me together and most importantly, keep me in the present.

Psych Doc has approved an immediate admission to the ward should I need it, but want to avoid that at all costs...

Fingers crossed.