Following the horse in front

Today has been an odd day for me. I am getting daily calls from the acute care team atm just to make sure that I make it through this weekend. They ask the same questions, and I give them the same answers. Yes, I am still having trouble sleeping. Yes, I am having thoughts of self harm. No, I am not going to act on them, I am putting in place all sorts of distractions and diversions to make sure I am not alone long enough to get to a place where I might do something stupid. These plans are keeping me out of hospital. They would prefer to see me in hospital, err on the side of hospital, (understandable) I would prefer to try and get through this weekend with my own sense on resilience and mastery (my private therapist supports this). But measures must be put in place to ensure my safety. 1) Daily contact with the mental health team 2) access to hospitalisation if necessary and 3) not to spend any great periods of time alone.

But even when I am with someone, I am somewhat alone. See, I keep slipping in and out of the past. And the waves keep coming in, seemingly quicker and stronger. So when the call came today and they asked what I had done to distract myself, I answered that I went on a trail ride.

But what I didnt tell them is that I can't actuallly remember a whole lot of that ride.

My horse was called Max. I remember that. Max, was a stubborn bastard, who walked his own pace, despite any swats or kicks from me. Max did not deviate from the path. Max was on auto-pilot. He had done the trail 1000 times, and he was just going to follow the pack.

I sat atop Max drifting in and out of here and then, and he got me where we needed to go. Maybe Max's thoughts wandered too, as he lazily followed the horse in front.

I don't remember a lot of the ride, the beautiful scenery that I know from experience was around. But Max taught me something. Sometimes just walking the track on auto-pilot is what you need to do. Its better than standing still. So,, even if I don't exactly remember getting from a to b, I got there in the end.... and even if its on auto pilot, I'm going to keep moving forward.