Saturday, September 12, 2009

Don't wanna break the wings of that little song bird

It is believed that mental illness can be hereditary... It can also be environmental. The hereditray theory scares the hell out of me. My PTSD was definately caused environmentally, but was my lack of resilience a result of the rampant mental illness running through my family? My biological father suffered (unspecified) mental issues...probably either Bipolar or Borderline Personality, my older sister (K) has Borderline Personality Disorder, little sister (A) is trotting along just find. My mother almost definately had Post natal depression, she had a break down after I was born, and says herself that she was mildy depressed for most of the 11 years of her second marriage. My maternal uncle tried to take his life...various family members on that side both treated and untreated for depression.

The thing is, I love kids. I'm good with kids. Other people's that is. I was a nanny for four years. Coordinator of a large Companies Children's Programs, Children's Specialist in a well known book store. I breathe in life from children. I am happiest and most relaxed in their company. But I have this fear of having my own. A) That i'll pass on these dark genes that will lead them to a life of pain B) That I wouldn't be able to protect them from a world where lots of horrible things happen, and C) (Most ashamedly) I feel I'm maybe too selfish with my own mental issues to be there in the way I would want to be for my child. An emotionally absent parent can be just as damaging.

I'm 26. I have time to sort myself out, find the right guy. But for some reason its on my mind tonight.

Probably because I was listening to this song... it talks about that isolation that gets passed on generation to generation... not a huge Dixie Chicks fans. but this one resonated

Think i Broke the wings off that little song bird
Now she's never gonna fly to the top of the world, somehow...

I don't have to answer
Any of these questions
Don't have to God
To teach me no lessons..
I come home in the evening
and sat in my chair..
One night they called me for supper
But I didn't get up
I stayed right there
(c) Dixie Chicks

I don't want to be that person

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