Big Girls Don't Cry

My cat just knocked over a whole bunch of photo frames and then had the nerve to look at me with disdain, because the noise made her jump....

So, I'm sitting here with my warm cup of milo, starting my bedtime wind down. I have some Sia playing softly in the background, which I will soon switch over to the special "sleep" CD that (D) gave me. The house has been tidied away. Bed time routine has been completed. The world is quiet. except for my head. But its never really quiet in there. And I have been reflecting on the day.

I got up quite early and got a fair amount of work done in the garden, another bed weeded, the rockery cleared away and some lavender planted. I really hope it takes, I love the smell of lavender and it is quite close to where I usually sit outside. (M) arrived for our Case Management meeting at 9am, and was, I think, pleasantly suprised to see me out and about in the garden. She did that uber, over the top type praise, that reeks of behaviour modification. Positive attention for positive behaviours and all that. But in essence, it is right. It is good for me to be out in the fresh air, and getting busy, particularly if it is physical. (Although all that digging doesn't seem to have helped with the sleep at all...sigh) We spoke about what my options were if I decided not to go ahead with Uni this semester (that's a whole different post!) And then she dropped her bombshell. In less than three weeks she will be going on leave for two months. Which means a new Case Manager for me in the interim. While I tried to focus on not over reacting and losing my shit (the girl does deserve a holiday afterall!) she talked about how I still had (D) and (K) Consumer Advocate, and that the New BabyPsychDoc and I seem to be developing somewhat of a rapport. But, ugh, a new person. I just don't handle that sort of stuff very well. It will be a challenge. And whilst the maladapted part of me is feeling just a wee bit abandoned, it is a good opportunity really for me to start using some of the interpersonal skills I'm supposed to be developing.

Of course then my mind (and the gremlins) went a lil crazy and started to worry (D) was going to up and leave. (Coincidentally, she is scheduled a few days of leave the same week that (M) starts her leave, which is unfortunate timing, but will be phone contactable). So by the time I got to appointment with (D) in the afternoon, I was quietly despondant.We talked of course about attachement, dependency and mature dependency, We talked about how little I had actually shared about my past with any of the MH professionals. I mean, they know I was abused as a child. That's about the sum of it. They really have no real idea of what I went through. And according to (D) anyways it rates up there on the severe end... I was overcome with an overwhelming sadness. Tears silently making there way down my face as I drifted away from (D). When she called me back to her, and I realised I'd been crying, I was mortified. I don't "do" crying in front of people. Maybe was a good thing, in the end? I don't know.

Just feeling a bit sad, confused and abandoned tonight.