On the ward and out of my mind- My Keepers

For previous "On the ward posts" refer to here, here, here, here, here and here.

Well, it would appear Ophelia, that you are a naughty, naughty girl danger to yourself, and we, in our infinite wisdom have decided to provide one-on one nursing for you to spy on you, and take notes about every meaningless comment and insignificant action keep you company and ensure your safety.

Really, I am being quite unfair. I have only been put on constants once before in my 'mental career' and that was because I had to be on a medical ward, and they were worried about me being around all the shiney, sharp tools. This time, they quite fairly were concerned that while their back was turned I would do myself in, or at least leg it, and then do myself in. So I was put on Special Obs. To be kept within a couple of feet of my nurse for that hour at all times. Or as the nurses put it, in their ever so tactful way, to be babysat.

I'm in two minds over whether this was a great trial for the nurses to endure. It did mean one less nurse on the floor every hour. But each nurse was allocated an hour per shift with me, perhaps two at a stretch. I am told for the first few days I was pretty uncommunicative, so not a heck of a lot of fun. But with the invention of I-Phones the nurses found ways to pass the time. After a while my witty reparte returned, and I am sure I was a wonderful "constant patient". Well, I didn't abuse them, try to attack them, hurl obscenities or anything like that, so they should just be grateful! :P

There were four main reasons being on constants probably sucked for them:
1. They couldn't hide in the staff room "charting"
2. They had to accompany me to the bathrrom
3. They had to sit in an uncomfortable hospital issue chair, while I snoozed away in luxury.
4. I was up and down like a yo yo for ciggies, and as my shadows, so were they! he he.

The four reasons being on constants probably rocked for them:
1. Alarm bell: Sorry can't help I'm on constant
2. Needy patient wanting something. Sorry can't help i'm on constant
3. Code Brown: Sorry can't help I'm on constant
4. Paperwork not complete? Sorry was on a constant.

The four reasons constants sucked for me
1. No privacy. With phone calls, with visitors.
2. Nothing more annoying than someone sticking to you like a barnacle when you just want to be left the f*ck alone
3. The bathroom thing. OMG.
4.Constantly being asked, so "Do you know why you've been sectioned? Placed on constants? How do you feel right now? Blah blah blah.

The four things that rocked about constants for me.
1. Never having to wait for half an hour outside the nurses station for your nurse to actually get off her butt.
2. Always having someone to check the answers to the crossword with
3. Prevents family from having D and M conversations when you are totally not up to it.
4. Honestly, had some shit nurses, ok ones and a few really good ones. The good ones helped me to really process what was going on in my mind as it was happening. provide reassurance in a frightening time. Provide hope in a time of chaos and feeling out of control.

In a perfect world. Nurse caseloads would be a lot less. Paper work would be limited. And then maybe some patients could get the quality of care I recieved in that time. (Minus the "special time" in the bathroom together)