I guess something must be working in therapy because today's session was just plain whack! (D) and I somehow got onto the topic of my grandparents and their high expectations of me. She said that their expectations were theirs to carry not mine, and I replied that in fact, the reason it hurt so much was because they were MY expectations too. I should have finished uni by now, I should have been working steadily for a few years, maybe met someone, started thinking about a family...time feels like it is running out, and none of those things seem even remotely possible on the near horizon. She started asking about my goals and expectations of myself, and I was just overcome with this all encompassing anger towards her. i shut down and it was all I could do to get through the next 20 minutes without throwing something at her or kicking her. I walked out of the session theinking WTF was that?
Thinking on it, I think we have a classic case of Transference going on here. When she asked about my goals, I felt like it was accusatory (even though there was nothing in her demeanour to make it even remotely seem so). What do you want to do? Becuase at the moment you are just buggarising around, wasteing everyones time and the taxpayers dollars. I have felt that sentiment (true or untrue) from many people in my life including myself.... and in that innocent question I transferred all that rage on to her. Because this is NOT what I want from my life. I don't want to be dependent on benefits. I want to be a useful, contributing member of society. And the curveballs that keep getting thrown my way just get me so dmaned angry.
Angry isn't something I'm used to, or particularly good at. So even though it was kind of a shitty session...I guess we are making progress, no?
Monday, March 29, 2010
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Oh Ophelia. I hear you on so many counts. The transferential anger, the desire to be out there working, the resentment you feel that you cannot at present do so. But you're not alone. I feel exactly the same, and my transference ranges from profound paternal love, to casual liking, to abject hatred and everything in between.
ReplyDeleteIt's a desperately weird dynamic, but it is what it is. You are not alone.
Hugs hun xxx
I'm sorry you had such a crappy session. Would it help you to know that I was on benefits until I was 32 and by then I had finished uni. At 32 I hadn't met anyone. At 32 I hadn't gotten a full time job or anything like that. I am 35 and a bit now and I now have those things (except kids). Anyway, what I am trying to say is that there is time for you. I know it does't feel like it, I felt the same too at your age. I understand getting angry at your therapist completely. It's rough when they hit a spot you didn't know was there. Don't lose hope, there is still plenty of time!
ReplyDelete*hugs*
Sarah
Thanks to you both. Does make me feel a little better that its not just "me". And thanks sairs...gives me a little hope for the future I guess. Its like that line from the beatles I guess. "Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans"...
ReplyDeletexOphelia
Anger is a bad thing, I could finally cure my schizophrenia only when I overcame it. Funny it is, but I'm never angry again anymore.
ReplyDeleteWhat happens when you get angry is that you train your anger, and that's not a good thing to do, as anger is about destroying something, and it always also destroys something in yourself (even if you let it out, by the recoil, but much more if you keep it inside).