Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Because its the right thing to do (Or F*ck it all to Hell!)

I'm staring at the useless piece of crud crisis plan on the back of my bedroom door. Therapy was a bust again. (D) asked me at the end whether I felt safe being at home tonight. I didn't answer in the affirmative or negative, so I guess she deduced the answer from there. I find it hard to outright lie when asked a direct question. I have my own moral ambiguity when it comes to lies of omission, side stepping and deflection, but full blown lies, thats on my no-no list. Which is why I didn't want to be in therapy yesterday or today. But not going would just raise more questions so I'm stuck.

Truth is, I'm feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed right now. I'm not in a great head space at all. And I just can't deal with anybody messing with the status quo right now. Even if that means stepping away from the support systems.

(D) asked what I wanted from her. I said quite truthfully, in this moment, nothing. I just want to be left alone. She asked me to call her tonight if I needed. I told her I wouldn't. She said she would call me tomorrow to check in. I asked her not to. She asked why. I repeated, I just want to be left alone. She told me she was going to call anyway, but if I really didn't feel like talking, I didn't need to pick up. That's something at least.

So, now, in the midst of overwhelming confusion and nasty gremlins dancing through my head, I am looking at the crisis plan. And realising that not one damned thing on that list is going to make me feel any better right now. I'm breaking all the rules. I'm isolating, not eating, not trying relaxation. I'm not reaching out for support. I haven't even told Case Manager (M) about Thursday, because I just can't deal with anybody else. I want to hide myself under the duvet, till the rain stops and this all goes away. I want to throw myself off of great heights. Run headlong into traffic. Drink until my body gives out. I want escape. I want oblivian. I DON'T want to be sitting here four years later, in the same damned position. Here because of one damned stroke of bad luck, and a proceeding amount of promises elicited by loved ones, to bind me here.

This is not how life is meant to be.

Staring at a crisis plan that just perpetuates this circle.

Filled with people, who can almost convince me things are getting better, more hopeful.....until they are not.

I am tired. Bone tired. Soul tired.

And tomorrow, I will probably get up, and go to the group thing. Because its the right thing to do. And eat. And shower. And sort out my uni stuff. Because its the right thing to do. And head back to therapy on Thursday, and start engaging once more. Because its the right thing to do. And go for walks, do puzzles, take exercise classes, catch up with friends, write, paint, clean, look at clouds and puppies and friggen rainbows....

Because its the right thing to do. One foot in front of the other.

But for tonight. I'm not buying into it. Just because its the right thing to do.


  1. I wish I could say something constructive but I really can't think of anything. Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending hugs, for the little that is worth.

    Please take care as best you can. xxx

  2. I've been here, in that place of never getting better. I know you have a horrible anniversary coming and that is not going to be helping you either. Doing the mundane things, although not what you want, will hopefully help somewhat in getting you through. I got stuck in the cycle you are talking about until I was about 29 and then for some unknown reason, it seemed to smooth out. I found my biggest thing was keeping busy but feeling worthwhile. If I wasn't working or studying, I felt like a piece of crap and since I did less courses than everyone else, I found that it often wasn't enough structure. I needed structure so bad. I volunteered at the RSPCA in their office and also doing cat cuddles, which broke my heart but anyway. I just hope you can get through this and I'm thinking of you. Thanks for your comment. Yay that it's not raining right now but it says showers for the next few days. Ugh! I like rain, don't get me wrong but yesterdays rain was awful to be in.

  3. I've been in situations like yours before, and I've conlcuded that ther isn't a right or wrong thing to do, just things that are either helpful or unhelpful, healthy or unhealthy. Thinking about it in those terms helps make decisions more clear.

  4. I'd love to be able to say something that would help but I have nothing. People keep telling me to just put one foot in front of the other, small steps, blah blah, and hopefully it will help. I'm thinking of you, have read a shed-load of your previous posts in my Google Reader, and I have immense respect for you. I hope the time passes quickly until the anniversary is over.