Sunday, January 3, 2010


First day back at therapy for the New Year tomorrow. It has been weird being on break for two weeks, but not really as difficult as I had thought it might be. In fact, I have actually enjoyed a break from my therapeutic introspection, both in D's office and at home. I would like to say that I am facing the therapeutic journey in 2010 with a sense of hopefulness and preparedness, but in reality, hope is a commodity I am still finding it difficult to come by. As much as I wish there was some magic stardust sprinkled over me as the calender flipped from Dec 31 to Jan 1st, in reality I am still standing here in the same place I was before. But...I am slightly more rested... not physically, sleep still sucks monkeys balls at the moment, but emotionally, I am slightly more rested. So it is time to gather up what energy I have left and push through this to the otherside.

I guess I'm not being completely fair, sleep has been slightly better by my standards. The first couple of days that I was sick with the chest infection over X'mas I managed little nanna naps during the day, sick body won out slightly over hypervigilant mind. But nighttime was still pretty horrid. And then, since I have been on the nicotine patches (3 days without a cigarette!) I have noticed that the standard nightmares that seem to bombard me at night, have in part been replaced by very strange, trippy but not so scary dreams. End result: While I am still having trouble getting to sleep (usually not before 2am) and I am still waking pretty early and unable to return to sleep (anywhere between 4.30am-6am), I am not having as much waking up in between... so it has gone from an average of 3-4 hours of pretty poor quality sleep, to 3-4 hours of reasonabley solid sleep. Little progress, but it is something I guess.

I have decided (almost... I keep changing my mind) to drop one of the two subjects I am studying over the summer semester and ask my GP to get it written off without academic penalty. I don't have to do either of them this semester really, it was just more about giving myself some structure rather than having the whole summer off. But I have been finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate hard enough to get the assessment done, so I figure if I drop the more intense subject and just stick with completing the easier one, I might get one reasonable-ish grades rather than two crappy ones. But then of course, that nasty voice in my head keeps telling me what a loser, slacker I am, and how lazy, crazy, mad, bad I am for giving in and accepting my current physical and emotional limitations, which makes me feel guilty and then I change my mind again. However, everybody who I have talked to thinks it would be a good idea to just cut myself some slack, so I think I am going to go with the public consensus, rather than with my own distorted thinking.

Spent a good section of this (very hot) day, cleaning the house, which was in dire need of it. Of course, my sister pitched in in her ever so helpful way, by throwing out some potatos that had gone manky in the bottem of the pantry, before she settled her but on the couch for the rest of the day. Yes, it was nice of her, I couldn't move them, I dry retched every time I went near them, but its kind of annoying that I know, in her head, this small task should fulfill her household duties in whole, and slightly more annoying that when I went into the newly cleaned lounge tonight to turn off the lights and lock up, (because God Forbid anyone else should have to turn a frikkin key in a lock!!) I found she has pulled the throw rug and cushions off the couch and left them on the floor, as well as her empty beer bottles on the coffee table... little things I know, but you go the trouble of cleaning, and the minute you turn your back they start messing it again... makes you wonder why you bother!

Had dinner and a movie with Bachelor Number One on Friday night. I really wanted to cancel as I wasn't feeling emotionally or physically up to it, but as I had already cancelled the previous Monday, Wednesday and Thursday night (New Years Eve, oh dear) I figured I really oughta show up. Luckily he could see from my lacklustre appearance, barking seal cough, and frequent need to stop and gasp for air, that I had actually been sick and was not just blowing him off for no reason, so I think I am forgiven. He is off on a Business trip to the Hunter Valley for the next few days, so I have until Thursday to pull myself together. Poor sod puts up with a lot! In a perfect world we would have met in a year or so's time (when I am hopefully slightly more together than now) but its not a perfect world, and he's stuck with me now, as I am, flawed, but trying. I would be really interested to know how other mentals manage to balance the whole need for isolation, emotional lability, anxiety and so forth within relations? How do your significant others handle it? And how much do you actually tell them? I am finding this to be a hard line to toe.

As mentioned little sis is back from her holidays to start work tomorrow, but her ex (currently still living with us) and his brother aren't yet. So hopefully we will have a few more days of relative peace. Meanwhile, I also got around to finally pulling my art supplies from under my bed, and setting up a station, now that I have somewhere to do it... here tis.. pretty, huh?

Meanwhile, because I'm bored... a few more shots from around my pretty wall decoration from Ikea... God, I love that place! Funky decorations, cheap food...and more importantly cheap bookshelves!! I also have a really cool floor lamp in my room from there, but my laptop camera doesn't take the greates photos...

My "Crazy doesn't even begin to cover it" Happy Bunny mug that my lil sis bought me for X'mas. Maybe I should be offended, but really a) you have to be able to laugh at yourself and b) he's so damned cute.

 I actually loaded a different photo of this on and then realised my graduation photo was showing clearly in the backgound, thereby risking my secret squirrel anonymous blogger status, so I took another photo... and whilst I was doing this.. took a photo of my feet lying in bed as I type this. Yup, dear fellow bloggers... that's as close as you will come to unmasking this top secret identity!

Okely dokely.. I shall leave it as this before fatigue and silliness, result in me posting photos I may come to regret up here. We shall see how tomorrow pans out as far as cigarette deprived grumpiness goes. Thus far it has not really been an issue, but that's because the patches are smoothing the way I guess, nictotine is not such an issue, its more the habit. That being said, grumpiness did nearly rear its head this morning when little sis and I were getting ready to go grocery shopping. "Yuck" she says "You're not going to wear that patch out are you? You look like a bogan". A)Thanks for the support sis! B) It's a 24 hour patch, so yah I am going to wear it out... but luckily for her, twas time to change it anyway, so I put the new one on my stomach... Sheesh! We were going to Aldi...what's the big deal?

Check in tomorrow when 'The Adventures of Ophelia in Therapy Land' will recommence.

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