Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Not sure what to do.

Was not sure whether to keep blogging right now, with the things that I am contemplating. Whether it was fair to send this out there to people who might be concerned but have no real way of knowing what was going on. But I didn't want to dissappear off the radar either and cause worry that way. I blog everyday, and I figured I should continue with that. But......

Comments and support are always greatly appreciated, but I do have access to several of my very own MH professionals, a Crisis Line and my very own Crisis Plan, so I don't want anyone out there in the Blogosphere concerned that I don't have support. If I can't make it with the support I have, well, than thats how its probably meant to be.

My head is not in a great space right now, so think about whether you want to keep reading this post. I tried to ensure it wasn't too horrible (if you could look into my head you would see how much I sanitised it) or triggering, but ya'all know yourselves better than me... so make that decision yourself.

I cleaned my room. Just spent the last hour and a half, not just tidying, but doing a major cleanout. I tell myself I am in control, I think I am in control, but meanwhile I am packing away my life.... Am I in control?

I tried to do the responsible thing today and follow my crisis plan. After two days with *ZERO* sleep, I am both totally wired and exhausted. I don't want to move. I don't want to enagage. But I did... because it the proactive thing to do. Honestly, I did give it a good shot.But everything I tried to do on my distraction list, was just too much for my brain to handle. In the end, after trying art, writing, reading, puzzles, crotcheting... I put a couple of DVDS on in my room, but really didn't pay much attention. Now I have music playing in the background, so I have something to focus on at least. Not much chop with my DLA's. All I had to eat today was an icecream and even that made me sick. I did replace a few diet cokes with Veggie Juice, so I'm getting some nutrition at least. Didn't manage a shower till about 6pm this evening, but at least I'm clean for the first time in more days then I wish to admit. I was surfing online for a while, but decided to leave that when I started looking up hotel rooms and drug dosages. Finally I got to near the end of the plan and decided it was best to call my Case Manager. I was reluctant to, because her response would have been hospital, and I don't want to go, but I figured if I was following the Crisis Plan, ringing her was the next step and it was my responsibility to follow it. Anyway, she was in meeting, and reception said they would get her to call me when she came out. I don't know if the message wasn't passed on, or she had other stuff come up, but 5pm rolled around and she still hadn't called back.

My therapist rang to check on me this afternoon, like she said she would last night. I wouldn't say I was rude, but I was certainly more abrupt than I am comfortable with. I just didn't want to go into anymore detail and put her in a more awkward position than she was currently. And the less time I was on the phone with her, the less chance I would have to lie to her. She asked if I wanted her to check in again tomorrow, and I said no. She finished by saying she would see me on Thursday for our session.....pause......right? It honestly took me a minute, to be able to mumble out a yes. Thursday seems a little too far off to commit to. Stupid, huh?

So anyway, I notice these little things, the room clean out, the paperwork sort, the internet searches, the reluctance to commit to anything.... and I start to think, there are two agendas running parrallel with in me. Can I keep that other agenda under control? Am I being irrational and irresponsible refusing hospitalisation. BossPsychDoc and Case Manager are fairly quick with the hospital solution as a go to. But (D) my therapist has a lot of the same reservations about hospital that I do. So I texted her and asked her whether she really thought I should be in hospital. She replied that she had read my email (written at 5am last night) and with that and the sleep deprivation that it would be best to go. Which did certainly make me think, as I say, hospital is definately not the first thing she would resort to. She is all for using ones inner resources (with support) and individual plans. Huh....so what do I do now? I really don't want to go. For the moment I think I just want to try and get through another night, and see where I am at in the morning. But I guess if things really come undone tonight, maybe I'll have to consider heading to Emergency.

I do sleep better in hospital. And that in itself is an alluring prospect right now. But argh.... isn't it the MH professionals jobs to be the ones that worry about over-utilisation of services ect? This would be my third admission in 6 months. Doesn't that indicate that its perhaps not all that helpful. Case Manager (M) said to me whilst discussing the hospital option the other day, that the first thing they worried about was having an alive client, that you can't do much work or good if the client wasn't alive, and thus that was always their primary goal. Well, I'm still here for now..........


  1. I would think that if you are safe in hospital, and if you can sleep better there, then those are ways in which hospital can be helpful to you. Of course it is only short-term help, but short-term help is still help.
    Reading this very rational post, with its careful wording to protect your readers, it is clear that you are still very much alive and your own person, despite your thoughts of death. I hope you remain your own person and keep blogging, no matter what you may contemplate.

  2. You were here before the blog, and you made it, however many close calls you might have had. You aren't holding any hostages here O, this is your space, it isn't up to us to spend hours fretting powerlessly. That's not to say I'm not concerned, because I am, but there's nothing I can do but comment, and personally I've made my peace with that.

    I don't have the answers to your dilemma, and i don't have the perfect combination of words to offer you comfort, because there is no perfect combination of words. Just some girl lying on a bed in England typing a comment to another girl 14,000 odd miles away and hoping that some of the words stick to make that other girl feel less alone and less confused.

    When in trouble I head for safety, the definition of safety is up to you. Sometimes a stop gap is best until you can feel safe again, but only you can know whether it is truly not helpful to be in a hospital, or whether you do not feel deserving of the added support that hospital implies. That's a different battle entirely, if it helps, which it probably won't I think you happen to deserve far more than you allow yourself.

    I hope that hasn't made you feel worse, and at least if the act of me saying something nice about you has made you want to throw up, you'll know the thought that I might have that effect on you has me guilty already :)

    Lola x

  3. Just wanted to drop in and send hugs. I know where you are, and it's absolutely horrible. I hope you will be OK, or as OK as it's possible to be given the circumstances.

    I agree with the others - please don't give up on blogging (unless that is what you actually want).

    Please take care of yourself. x