Same ol

Prepare to experience dejavu, as I blog once again about my insomnia, suicidal ideation and hospitalisation. Sorry to be repetitive, but this is what my life entails right about now.

So, another night of no sleep. Am not sure how long this can go on for... I mean physically how long can by body exist without any sleep at all. One would think it would just have to give in eventually right? I got out of the house quite early this morning and went and spent most of the day with a friend and her children. I was probably not going to be safe at home, and as much as I didn't really want to leave the house or see anybody, this seemed to be the most responsible option. It was a pretty non-invasive visit. I spent most of the time sitting by the pool watching the kids play or lying on the couch with them (not)watching a movie. So it wasn't too traumatic, and it got me out of harms way. I didnt tell my friend why I had come to visit, or what was going on, but I think she was just happy to have someone watch the kids and give her a break...four weeks into the Summer Holidays.  A little part of me, (being a little hyper-sensitive at the moment) was a little bit sad to watch her with her kids. A) Because she is so good and loving and accepting with them, and those kids are examples of what strong loving parenting can do, while I sometimes think I am an example of 101 ways to f*ck up your kid and B)Because they are great, caring and fun kids, and I am getting to an age where I wonder whether I will ever have the chance to do that...kids and all. I probably became a little too melancholy over it, just because my vunerability level is quite high right now

(D) called me to check in this morning, even though I told her not to. But I guess I can understand why. We spoke a little bit about hospital, and where I was at with the concept, and also how safe I was feeling. She was strongly encouraging me to at least try and do the basics... like eating. Apparently OJ is not enough to meet my daily nutritional requirements... She still thinks hospital is probably indicated at this point, but she is leaving it in my hands.

I then got a call from (M) Case Manager, who was returning my call from yesterday. I explained that I had really just called because that was what was indicated on the crisis plan, and I didn't really know whether she could help... We spoke about what's been going on, and she is going to talk to the BossDoc about my medications...but I am not holding up hope for that, medication doesn't seem to be the answer. She also indicated hospital was probably the best option.

I was doing ok-ish, until I got home to an empty house. And then it all started again... do it while you've got the opportunity..blah blah blah. So, I picked up the phone and called (K) Consumer Advocate. I wanted to get her opinion on the hospital issue, because I figured with her personal background, she knows a bit about hospitalisations and whether they are actually helpful and how they make you feel. She certainly gave me some things to think about. I'm probably a little closer to accepting the idea than I was before. I was able to start pulling apart where my reluctance was coming from, and reassessing some of the thoughts I was having. I even had a little giggle or two with her, which is actually quite a big thing at the moment. I said that I would see how I went tonight and if there was no improvement I would look at an admit tomorrow. We then discussed what that improvement would look like, kind of beginning to set up some clear boundaries.

So, I have decided.... if I have another night of no sleep or next to no sleep I will seek an admit. I won't like it. It may not help. But it won't kill me. Leaving my safety in my own hands might. Of course, there is a big part of me that is chiming in quite resistantly against this decision. If I am in hospital the choice is out of my hands, albeit temporarily, and whilst one part of me thinks this is a good thing, the other part of me wants the freedom to choose the other path.