Saturday, January 9, 2010

10 signs I am heading for a fall.

Life is shit. For a variety of reasons I'm just not going to go into right now. But there are a few quite obvious clues that my mental health is circling the drain. 10 Signs, that are historically, harbingers of doom for a complete and utter, to hell in a handbasket, dropping my bundle, breakdown approaching.

1. Sleep. As you would have picked up from my blog. Insomnia is something that I have battled with for many, many years. As a direct result of PTSD induced anxiety and hypervigilance, I have trouble getting to sleep, I am frequently awakened from sleep due to horrible, covered in sweat, screaming, hyperventilating type nightmares, and then if and when I manage to get to sleep, I wake up early, and can't go back to sleep. It cycles, sometimes its worse, sometimes its better. Occasionally, I have found a medication that will allow me to get a semi-decent amount of sleep for a time, but inevitabley, it will stop working. And sometimes its just spirals so ridiculously out of control and there is nothing I can do to bring it back into line. That's where I am at the moment.
2. Mess. When reasonably well (by my standards anyway) I am quite particular about the way things should be in the house. Dishes are done nightly, the house is tidied away nightly, laundry is done every day or so, bathroom cleaned at least once a week ect ect. At the moment, I have been making the occasional brief foray out into the house to clean when I know somebody is coming over ie Case Manager or mother, but in general I just really don't care. Looking around my room now, there are several obvious signs that a crash is coming..
*Beside my bed there are, count em, 11 empty diet coke cans (caffiene free, of course!). This has been pretty much my staple diet for about a week now. And leaving my bed, to go and dispose of them in the trash... just not going to happen. There is also an array of crumpled tissues, and several empty pill blister packs. (Not from an OD, normal usage, just slovenly disposal of the packaging when finished)
*On my bed there are, two teddy bears, one childhood doll, three plastic bags, one handbag, one bag with the materials to start my friends wedding invites (untouched), two weeks worth of unopened mail (bills?...meh!) Three photo albums (necessary for depression inducing trips down memory lane) One air perfume insert, still in its package (I bought it the other day to try and stave off the stale smell that permeates a room when one settles down into a depressive hibernation, but thats as far as my motivation went, actually moving the bed to plug it in...way too much effort).... lets see what else? Five separate articles of dirty clothing that hasnt made it to the floor yet, 9 hairbands, 4 booby pins, an empty chocolate buttons packet, one sleeping cat, and me.... in desperate need of a shower, stringy hair, pjs with a stain on the front, nails bitten to the quick, and an ongoing hand tremor which is telling me that I am due to have another seizure, probably sometime in the next 12 hours.
*On the floor at the foot of my bed... The rest of my dirty clothes, one bag still unpacked from my christmas trip home.
3. Time spent in bedroom. I would estimate I have been out to go to the bathroom four times in the last 24 hours, to the fridge to get a diet coke, probably about 4 times as well. Timing each of these trips at a generous 3 minutes each.. ergo (4+4x3=24min) I have been laying my bed for about 23 hours and 36 minutes. I have only been a sleep for 2 hours and 45 minutes of this time. The other 20 hours and 51 minutes has been spent crying, blogging and reading blogs, staring at the ceiling, thinking, over thinking and then for a change thinking some more, debating calling the crisis line, debating taking all the drugs in my possession and then taking a nice warm bath into oblivian ect ect. That's the last 24 hours, the previous week or so has been pretty much the same, other than the fact that occasionally I *have* to leave the house for a few hours, with appointments, one shift of babysitting (4 hours) and one dismal failure of attempt to be a good girlfriend (2 hours), but other than that, yeah mostly bed. The mattress has hollowed out to quite a nice little hollow where I lie and the sheets are...well, they could be cleaner.
4. Food intake- has pretty much slowed to nothing bar what is put directly under my nose by somebody else (and even then....meh) and the occasional crackers, cheese and vegemite combo to keep me from fainting... which luckily is not much of an issue seeing as I am expending next to no energy
5. Self harm... nuff said.
6. Mobile phone, email, facebook ect are filled to the brim with people trying to contact me. People I will not be contacting back anytime soon. In fact pretty much the only *real life* people I am communicating with are those who will instigate full on intervention methods if I drop off the radar too long- my mum, my grandma, and the mental health people. I give them enough of a response to satisfy more, no less.
7. Alcohol consumption. I am epileptic. I am depressed. I am on a lot of medication. For my own safety I am not allowed to drink. I am usually pretty good about this. At the moment, I am hiding a couple of empty wine bottles under my bed, until I can find a way to sneak them into the trash without my sister noticing... pathetic, huh?
8. Damage Control... involves pulling out the paperwork on my funeral insurance to make sure its all kosher, trying to figure out how to withdraw from people so they won't feel guilty, bad when you are to do this? Cut contact entirely? Make them hate you? Haven't figure this out, so it runs through my head constantly.
9. Uni work. Yeah, I'm enrolled, that's about as far as it goes. I don't know what is due, past due, due to be due, and I just don't really care, I haven't logged on in over a fortnight, I haven't really touched a book since before Christmas. Setting up a nice little mess for myself with my apathy.
10. Most obvious sign of all..... when I think about the days,weeks, months and years ahead of me, my mind can see nothing good. Nothing good at all.

And I am sick of trying to manage this, to put Daily living and Crisis plans into action. What is the point? Even if I pull myself out of this hole, I'll just cycle back to here in a few days, weeks, months or years time. Better to just let myself crash, and see what's left at the end... whether there is anything worth resurrecting. Let nature take its course.

Bah... fuck it all.

Yes. I know. Its my choice and my responsibility. And this kind of thinking and this kind of apathy is not going to help me.  I should try and pull myself together. I should be reaching out to people rather than isolating, I should be sticking to a routine, I should be doing a lot of things.


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