Tuesday, January 26, 2010

So it continues

So... I was for a brief moment discharged from the hospital yesterday. I made it as far as the foyer, and then I just cracked. As I walked down the hallway sobs wracked my body (unlike my normal very closed in self) and I just had this continual image running through my head of my body hurtling over an overpass and smashing to the ground below. I think the reason  I had such an intense reaction was that I was already, as I walked down the hall grieving my inevitable, and near on immediate death. I just didn't see the point. I'm not sure that I do now. I can't seem to see a path forward. They explain the plans and ideas and contingencies and so on to me, and I nod my head, but inside, I've just given up fighting, trying to explain why their plans just are not going to work. I wish they would. I wish to god, that it is just my own inability to put the work in or think positively, but honestly, I can't see a way out. But I nod dumbly, as they explain their plan to keep me alive.

Anyway, I guess my mortifying and public breakdown, precipitated me being put on an "r and r", I'm not sure exactly what it stands for but its something to do with deciding whether there is a need to put me on an Involuntary Treatment Order (ITO), so no discharge. I was reassessed this morning by the BossPsychDoc, and the "r and r" has been lifted and there is no ITO. I tried once again to convey how much of a double bind I felt I was in. I believe they tried to hear me. I know i tried to hear them. We are just speaking a different language. The plan is for me to come in for short stays of respite, during the process of psychotherapy. This won't work. I won't do it. And I will never commit to opening up fully to (D) if I know I have to go home with all of this stuff in my head. He doesn't believe that there is any benefit to transferring to the Private hospital. I don't know.

At this stage, I will be reassessed and more than likely discharged tomorrow. I'm terrified.

Hope all is well with everyone else, I have my laptop in the hospital now, but limited internet on my wireless dongle thing, so I will try to catch up with the basics.

Love and Peace


  1. I don't really know what to say O. I'm glad you have internet access though, as small a concession as that might seem, at least you have that distraction.

    I think if you are terrified of leaving then it means you are in the right place, no? As confining as it is? Can you stay if you would be safer there, would you consider it?

    Lola x

  2. *big hugs*

    I want to be able to say something useful, but I know how inadequate words are when you feel like this. So just know you're in my thoughts.