Saturday, January 30, 2010

Still here

I'm still here. Just too much going on in my head to write a proper post.

Will give you the highlights and fill in the details later when I can get my thoughts straight.

-Discharge on Wednesday afternoon. Still pretty unsure about this whole living thing. Some regression to SI as a coping mechanism to get through till session with (D) on Thursday. (Very dismal attempt, not much damage one can really do with a broken up pink lady bic razor)
-Call from Case Manager (M) Thursday morning, I was not very talkative. Arranged to meet with her at the horrible Mental Health Clinic as she doesn't have time next week to make it out to my house. So meeting arranged at the centre for Tuesday
-Session with (D) went very, very, veeeeeeeeeeeeery badly. Her new approach is to try and work on buffering other things in my life ie uni, volunteer work, gym ect, so that my whole life doesn't get flooded with the gremlins. Good idea in concept. She said she knew that I would feel frustration and anger at her, because it would all seem a bit pointless, but she reminded me once again that she 'could' not give into my sense of hopelessness. She was right, I felt an impotent rage towards her, unlike I have ever experienced in therapy. The one person who is supposed to 'get me', is just not getting me at all.... its gone too far for a plan of distraction to help in any way. I wanted answers, a direction, a glimmer of something,. Fuck! I don't know what I wanted from her.... but I didn't get it. Of course with my fucked up inability to express anger, I just told her I had to go, and walked out of the session. I've never done that before...just walked out... I'm too much of a good girl.
-Waited for the train... thought about throwing myself on tracks, but then thought that seemed overly dramatic and somewhat narcissistic way of ending ones live. A big Fuck You to the world had never been my plan before.
-More darkness, hopelessness and Gremlins. Got to the city, and found myself in a chemist buying shiny new razor blades. The ones I knew from my past more successful days as a SI'er', before I (thought) I grew out of it. And of course the requisite gauze, bandages and steri-strips as a repair kit. Figured maybe if I could just bleed a little of the blackness out, I might find some space to breather.
-Walked out to bus depot to make my way home, but found myself in another chemist filling all my scripts. Mind started thinking, why waste your time with this SI bollocks? Just frikkin do it already! Next stop bottle-o for a bottle of vodka. Pills, Blades, Booze.
-Started looking for a hotel, but realised quickly I wasn't going to get into most of these establishments with just a canvas bag filled with booze.
-Good girl kick in and called friend (B) who works in the city. Told her I needed to not be alone. She met me after work, and sat with me in a cafe for a couple of hours.
-Anxiety and gremlins start kicking up a gear. Need to get away from (B), she is standing in the way of my release. Convince her I am ok, and get on the bus headed home.
-Call around hotels in local area. None of them have bathtubs (Some very weirded out hotel receptionists out there I am sure!) Hmmm... flaw in my perfect plan...
-Sit outside hotel with no bath, trying to figure if the pills and blades were fullproof enough without the third element of drowning............ decide to down bottle of vodka while I ponder this.
-Good girl kicks in again... call friend (F) to come and pick me up to sleep off booze..
-Friday morning awake with less of a hangover than I deserve... and no seizures from alcohol intake (very odd) Return Therapist (D's) phonecalls. Very non-committal. Talk to Case Manager (M) Very non-commital. No, will not consider going back up ER.
-Also discover, am temporarily homeless, as sister's (ex) bf who has still not moved out of the house, apparently started smashing things up in the house and cornered her in the room. He didn't  hurt her, but his behaviour was erratic enough to frighten her. She has left to stay with some friends on the coast, and called me to tell me to find somewhere else to stay for the weekend. She has given him an ultimatum to be gone by the weekend or she will go to the police and get a DVO. Went with (F) to pick up some clothes and my computer so he wouldn't smash it, and am now squatting a (F's) temporarily.

Mood black. But am still here, so somewhere in my brain something is still fighting. Will wait and see what happens in therapy on Monday. (Yes.. the same therapy I was swearing never to go back to again yesterday afternoon).

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