Monday, January 11, 2010

Dear Therapist

Dear (D),

I'm sorry. I hate being the client who admits to feeling acutely suicidal and then refuses to actually create any kind of safety plan.  I realise that this must put you in a terrible situation. I'm honestly not trying to make things hard. I now sincerely wish I had just lied. Told you I was fine. There is obviously a part of me that hasn't completely been taken over by these feelings of hopelessness and despair. A part that is reaching out and saying "I'm not feeling safe. I am scared of myself and I need help right now". But there is a larger part, that is just ready to give up. That doesn't want to deal with this anymore. And, so, I am caught in the middle of this... not wanting to lie directly to you, but unable to fathom making any committments of any kind.

There is a big part of me, that wishes I could figure out how to disengage from you entirely. Quit therapy. Distance myself, so that any actions I take are not seen as a reflection on you (because they are not). Friends and family are somewhat easier to start moving away from and disengaging from in one's mind. But therapy, and indeed Case Management are an entirely different quandry... if I quit, that raises questions, if I don't show up that raises questions... it makes it hard to find that space and time to create distance. And to be honest, as much as there is a huge part of me kicking this help away, there is another big part of me that is chasing it down frantically. Sigh. I wish I could just make a decision.

I don't want you on the phone, trying to help me come up with a plan. I don't want you checking in with me tomorrow. I'm pretty damned unsure about whether I even want a 'tomorrow'. But then if this was entirely true, I wouldn't pick up the damned phone, would I? I know that you think this indecision is probably a good thing, a space within which to move. But I hate it. I wish I would just choose. I'm sick of this fluttering back and forth...stay or go...stay or go.

I wish I could just lie.

I can see how to others it might appear the most obvious answer would be hospital. I'm sorry that I am unable to do that. I don't see the point. I don't see that its helpful. Yes, as you say, I would be alive... but then we just swing back to this again, in a few weeks, a few months. I think once you have actually whole heartedly and without reserve decided to end it once, it will forever be that tantalising option you come back to. I hate this indecision. As terrible as it might sound, at least with the OD back in 2006, I had wholeheartedly committed to the concept... there was none of this agonising, never-ending debate in my head. Yes, I failed. I woke up eventually, but I tell you what, when I did, I was pissed, there was not even a smidgen of relief that it didn't work. Just  all consuming rage that I was still here. Over time that blunted, I began to feel grateful (did I really? Or have I just internalised what everybody else thought, and hog tied myself to this mortal plain through guilt) But I long, I looooooooong, to once again be totally committed one way or another again. Be it stay or go. I hate this.

And I hate the person its made me. I feel like a manipulative, burdensome, soul sucking wraith. That's not my intention. I imagine people must be thinking after all these years, "For God's Sake! Either do it or don't do it. Just spare us this interminable vascillation." I imagine you all, sucking in a sigh and thinking "here we go again."

Thankyou for being caring enough to try and reach out to me at this time....and I'm sorry.


  1. I am blown away for two reasons.

    a) Because this is the title of the post I scheduled to publish tomorrow morning. (Are we the same person Ophelia? Seriously.)

    b) Because you are suffering, and that terrible place of knowing that you don't want to do the "right" thing, and in that feel like you are letting people down, is a god awful lonely place to be. I would guess that you feel you deserve to be lonely in it too. You don't, that's a fact.

    I wish you were closer, I'd come round to see you. We could go out and play on the swings. You could show me how to make balloon animals and It'd probably make me cry.

    I guess it's the eternal wish of the blogosphere, to wish that people could see their value and allow their pain, without rejection or self beratement.

    I hope that you are safe.

    Lola x