Thursday, October 1, 2009

Which one is me?

I've had a rough couple of weeks, trying to sort through the debris of the aftermath of my black anniversary, the brief hospitalisation and then the slapdash (secret) application of a new diag ostic layer.

Ive sat down a few time to right a blog entry but have not seemed to be able to pull my thoughts together enough to write anything coherent.

But I thought I would just send a shout-out to the precious few people who read this blog, to say, yup, still here, treading water, but I haven't gone under.. so don't worry.

My therapy sessions have been (as usual) full of odd emotional twists and turns. On Monday, for the first 40 minutes of the session, I was 100% there, in the present, in the moment. We were talking about my therapist (D's) recent appearances in a nightmare that I have had consistently for many years. Its the first time anything about this nightmare has changed, and obviously it was kind of weird for her to pop up in my sub-concious. But I was able to talk about it, and my discomfort. We basically came to the conclusion that her presence in the dream was symbolic of her 'intrusion' into my inner life and that I had mixed feelings. One, hope that somebody could hear, understand and maybe help me figure out my messed up mind and Two, fear, because allowing any breaches of my armoured defenses has always gotten me hurt before, and I generally try to stick to the heads down, don't make any waves type approach. All of a sudden, in the last 10 minutes of the session, we must of hit a raw nerve, because "the voice", (the embodiment of all negative thoughts and actions I have) seemed to come and push this open, present and calm me, who had been in the room for the last 40 minutes to the back, and take over. Therapist said, youcould actually feel the oppression settle heavily in the room. Session ended badly.

Today, I went to therapy and once again, it was not authentic me who walked in the room, but "Game-face me". Everything is fine, very blase,somewhat aloof and slightly manic. Therapist picked up on it straight away. Was the result of having family come to stay... had to keep my game face on whilst they were here, and when you settle into that state it can be kind of hard to shake.

Even though these parts of me feel at times like discreet personalities, I know that they are just groupings of emotional states. The problem is, those emotional states become so overwhelming, I feel my authentic self be shunted off to the side. They are the sum of me, and yet not me at all.

Well, well done to anyone who can make sense of that hogwash... I'm off to try and sleep


  1. !!!!GAME FACE!!!! I do that too, but never gave it a name. It's like I become totally inaccessible so much so that I can't even access my own feelings. Like being possessed, and can't switch off the flippancy.

    Hang in there Ophelia, it gets better than this, it might sound like an empty statement, but things can and do change.

    Lola x

  2. The ability to take on a persona and shut out other parts of yourself is a useful skill that everyone has, though some are better at it than others. But you make being good at it sound like a symptom, and that doesn't make sense to me. It's like a jazz musician complaining that he often gets carried away by the music.

  3. I guess I get what you are saying CBTish, and it has been a handy little tool to get me through different situations. But just like any tool, it can be turned against you and do you harm. For instance, when the "voice" persona is at its loudest and meanest, I worry that the 'real me' won't be able to argue my way out of doing my self harm. When "Game Face" takes over, people experience me as blase and not taking things seriously, particualarly bad when you are in a MH interview. It's not necessarily the personas themselves (although I could live without the voice!) its the ability to recognise when they emerge, control them, and just generally get a sense of what I authentically feel...

    Thx Lola... I hope things will get better..thats what this freaky journey is all about