Wednesday, October 28, 2009

For K...if I decide to let her read this :P

Well... I have been somewhat lax in my blogging, haven't I? I guess I would put it down to a few things. 1. Anxiety has been so very out of control, I have been finding it hard to think straight. My uni work is falling desperately behind, which in turn is making me more anxious. And the worst part is, I don't really know what I am anxious about, and as someone wisely pointed out, I am getting more anxious, worrying about the source of the anxiety. So there you have it, a few weeks of riding the waves of anxiety, full blown panic attacks ect. I guess, the good thing is I am reaching out for help at times like that, by calling the people I need to call, some are more helpful than others (still not really getting much help from Triage Line, but I guess... I don't know exactly what I expect them to say!) I have persevered though, and called them twice over weekends, which seem to be the worst times for me. (Could that be because I know in those times its harder to get in touch with the people I am actually comfortable with, so I work myself up into a panic?..... maybe) I also think its because I don't have the house to myself during the day. You would think that was a good thing, to be surrounded and contained, but for me it just means having to keep my 'game face' up for a full 48 hrs, regardless of how I feel, which is exhausting.

Time with Case Manager (M) has been more productive, and I think we are building more of a rapport now we are meeting outside of the Continuing Care Office. I feel more relaxed and I can talk more with her, and she has been quite supportive in the last week or so, while I've called a few times over panic 'melt-downs', uni work and general ' I am a loser who can't cope with the world' type feelings. Although I'm sure reception is getting quite sick of hearing "This is Ophelia, may I please speak to M". I guess and (hope) that they have clients much more needier than I am... but still, I feel (a probably imagined) sigh in their voice when I ring. My hope is though, maybe she can help strengthen some of the self soothing and self calming techniques I have in my little reserve, so that I can better handle these things myself. I will need them as therapist (D) continues to delve deeper into previously untravelled terrain in my brain (and yes she is meeting much resistance along the way, although I try to cooperate, what's the point of going otherwise?)

Consumer Advocate (K) has been a good resource too, if only to remind me to laugh. Black humor has seen me through some pretty bad spots, particularly when I was learning to walk again, and it is always good to talk to somebody who won't shy away from the darker parts of your psyche.

This week has hit a bit of a health bump with an "Exorcist" style stomach bug, that has left me feeling like a deflated pool toy. Have an appointment with GP to get medical certificate ( which I will not use!!!!) Just in case. And also just make sure my serum levels for anti epileptics is ok after my many rounds with the porcelin bus.

Hypothetical person made it clear to hypothetical friend that she will not be given anymore medication. Her regular doctor is back and she needs to figure it out with him. Friendship seems to have survived this announcement which is nice.

Finally, (referencing the title) K was interested when I mentioned I wrote a blog about my mental health experiences.... and asked if I was willing to share the link with her. As you all know,this blog is completely anonymous.... so I am thinking about it. I don't know whether she would find anything of interest in here anyway... but I do feel like I can trust her, and as a a professional she would keep it confidential... I thinkas I mentioned a few blogs ago, whn I first met her (after much reservation leading up) I kind of feel like she understands when I speak. There is a feeling of sympatico... I'm thinking about it anyway.

And finally, for those of you who are interested Bachelor number 1, and I had our second date last week, and it went very nicely, movie, dinner, and then off to cafe for coffee and a dessert. He was quite gentlemanly, and we shared our first (very g-rated) kiss. Plans for third date are in the works... I really like him... but there are a lot of trust issues to contend with. And I haven't shown the best taste in men thus far.... And of course, at some point I will have to tell him he is dating a nutter, which I think I have done a remarkable job of hiding from him thus far.... sigh....

Anyways.,... until I have pondered my decision K, I shall remain.... the shadow!

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