Sunday, October 18, 2009

It doesn't matter what I know

It doesn't matter that I know, I am not likely to be having a heart attack. It doesn't matter that I know I'm likely too young. It doesn't matter that the woman on the mental health triage line has told me the new medication changes are unlikely to actually be physically causing these symptoms. It doesn't matter that I know that heart attacks don't occur off and on for three days.

Because each time that it happens, (and it has happened a few times this weekend) I think I am going to die. The world spins out in a kaleidescope before me, stars swim in front on my eyes, my breathing is ragged, forcing its way out of my heavy chest, and my heart.... well my heart feels like its about to explode. It doesn't matter that I KNOW this is a panic attack... because in that moment, inspite of all that I know, I still feel like I am about to die.

And I don't know whats causing it. I've had panic attacks in the past, but always with some clear and discernible trigger. I don't know what is wrong with me now.... but I have no reason to be this anxious.

It doesn't help for the lady on the mental triage line to tell me to concentrate on breathing and relaxation, I already know that... its not helping. (Although what else I expect her to say or do, I don't know)

The increase in the serepax and the switch to the thorazine should be helping.... but I just have this overwhelming feeling something bad is going to happen. Something is lying awaiting me in the shadows.

I tried to get in contact with psychologist (D) but it would seem she is out of range today. Which she is well within her right to be, it is her weekend... and I have the Triage line, as useless as that is. Although there is that paranoid part of me that's thinking maybe she just isn't returning my message because she thinks I should figure this out myself. But realistically, I don't think thats the case, I dont call unless I absolutely need to, and she has always said before that it is fine. The lady from Triage line said she would put a not in my file, so I guess i can expect a call from case manager tomorrow... if not maybe I will call her myself. This can't be long. It is so hard to keep myself compliant to their regime when I know a couple of my left over xanax or maybe a bit of vodka would maybe take the edge off... But I need to follow their plan.

Its been a hard weekend, I suspect It will be a hard night

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