Thursday, October 29, 2009


Older sister (K) came over for the evening yesterday, and as I sat there and listened to the details of her grievances (real and percieved) against the world wash over me, I was struck by the question. Why do I allow her practically a free pass on all of her destructive behaviour, whilst continually serving myself up as a whipping boy for my own? Why can I brush away, so easily, so much of her behaviour as... she can't help it, its just part of the illness, she has trouble with empathizing... blah blah blah, any of the million reasons I give to absolve her of all of the pain she causes. But hold myself to such a standard that I am tied up in knots trying not to hurt my family and friends. I feel guilty all the time, that they worry about me, about the trauma I put them through with the OD, I feel guilty I don't live up to their expectations, I feel guilty that I don't seem to be able to get well as easily as others. I feel guilty about taking too much... too much time..too much thought... too much everything. I feel guilty that I'm not completely honest. And thats just on the surface... I feel guilty I didnt protect my family better, I feel guilty I didn't get help earlier................

I guess with OS (K)'s case, I feel bad that she fell through the cracks, maybe if she had gotten help earlier... maybe if all those people at DFCS and foster care had asked the right questions, maybe if we as family members had stepped in when we saw her spiralling and put it down to her being 'a bad egg', rather than recognising the emergence of a mental illness, she wouldn't have become so thouroughly entrenched in these patterns.

Rambling along...

I guess the payoff for OS (K) is that she gets to live with little to no consequences with her get out of free card, and feel no guilt. So what is the payoff of guilt for me? The easy answer is a sense of control. The more things I feel guilty about, the more things I can fool myself into believing I have control over, if only I put in more effort. And its both comforting, unrealistic and demoralising all wrapped up in one little neurotic mess.

Not sure where this post was going... was just a very long visit and she's due back today.... I love her, but she the epitome of an emotional vampire.

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