Pushing the boundaries

This one is not necessarily mental health related, but translates across far too often in my life.

I walk a knife's edge. Between good health and bad health, between sanity and insanity. And a good part of what has the capacity to make me tumble either way is the choices I make.... and boy do I make some stupid choices!

The one I'm refering to at the moment is my choice to stay at a friends housewarming last night later than I should have, pushing back my medications, when I was already exhausted.... predictable result... I had a seizure... in front of everybody... (and broke a couple of toes in the process)

Not the end of the world, but an unfortunate and embarrassing event that could easily have been prevented by making a better choice. Of course with my mental illness I come across these choices time after time, the bad choice to 'have a few drinks' because I wanted yo numb myself, preceding my last downhill spiral into hospital.

There are things I have no choices about...flashbacks, nightmares ect...

There are things I can choose to try an assert some control through CBT techniques, meds ect

And there are things I have ABSOLUTE control over... if I take this path, there is a firly good chance X is gonna happen.

I Don't do it often... I'm usually quite the well-behaved rule follower... but what is it in my unconcious mind that leads me to want to totally self destruct from time to time...

Am very annoyed with myself... but adequately punished with an aching body, throbbing foot and the knowledge I'm gonna have to fess this up to the neurologist.