Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Dunce

I have a meeting with Case Manager (M) tomorrow. But this is going to be one wwith a twist... she is introducing me to a former 'mental health consumer'. They have some fancy title for them which slips my mind at the moment, but they are basically people who have been in the system before, have had mental health issues, and found ways to make successes of their lives. They come and talk to current clients through request by Case Manager, to share their stories as, I dunno... I guess a beacon of hope? Sounds great in theory, and in some ways I am interested in meeting her. I have often found it to be the case that those who have actually experienced mental health issues themselves can be of more help than the "professionals".

But there is also another part of me that is resistant to this arranged meeting. I guess, it comes from Case Manager basically saying to me last week that sometimes they label people Borderline Personality when they have been in a few different types of therapy with limited or moderate success. Basically those of us that fail the goal orientated behaviour therapies like CBT. So I kinda feel like the dunce student being shown the A-plus student. Kind of like, this is what you could be if you just put a little more effort in. Probably the wrong way to think about it, and I'm trying not to, but it hurts you know? Especially, since, being an inate people pleaser, I actually was the A student at school, who never got in trouble, no suspensions, no skipping school, not even detention. Basically if I could humanly do what they want me to do, what would make my family and friends happy and get 'better' I would. I try really hard to follow whatever advice, rules, medication regimes ect have been put in front of me. I don't skip therapy. I don't show up late. The few times I have rebelled against 'whats best for me', its been at times when I was just too damned tired to keep the enormous effort of what they ask from me going.


Anyways. Will see how it all pans out. Have decided to have a chat with Case Manager tomorrow anyway. She sees (I believe) my distractedness and aloofness as a form or resistance or challenge to her, and I want to try and explain that a)it takes me a while to trust and get comfortable with new situations/people and b) the room we meet in at the clinic totally freaks me out. Its really small, because they have so many offices crammed in, you can hear all the noise from around you which triggers my hypervigilance, and doesn't really assure me of the confidentiality of what I am saying and it locks and unlocks with a swipe card, which makes me feel trapped. I hope that if she undestands this, she might be able to understand me in context a little and not take these things on face value.

In other news. Toe is almost definately broken. Its purple and black and quite sore. So have been off my feet for most of the last few days (I know... I am such a wuss) But in the good news, has given me a chance to learn how to play Bob Marley's Three Little Birds on the guitar. I'm sure my beginner attempts at the guitar are driving the neighbors to distraction, but it gives me something new to focus on and sink my teeth into. :)

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