Stuck between a rock and a mental ward...

GP appointment today re: antidepressants. Thought it would be good to check whether they might need a bit of a tweak. GP let me know that I am already on above the recommended dose on the Lexapro, so if we were going to do anything we would change it completely to a new med. The hitch is of course, that you have to let the Lexapro leave your system before they can introduce a new AD. Which leaves a very vunerable period. And because I'm already pretty much a snivelling mess on the floor, the GP doesn't want to do it unless I'm in hospital.... I told him I'd think about it...

Spoke to therapist (D) briefly on the phone about it, and she too seems to have some reservations about hospitalisation. It really is to be avoided unless absolutely necessary. Can be a demoralising and infantilising experience.... but can also save your life.. Ho Hum.... She's going to consult with a Psych colleague of hers to give us a little more information to make the decision with.. And when I say us... I mean me. Nobody is forcing me into hospital, they are telling me I know what is the right thing for me. Honestly? I don't. I don't want to have to make the decision. I don't want to risk making the wrong choice. Spoke to my mum, and then to an old friend.... trying to get one of them to tell me what I should do... but nope.. apparently, only I know what's right for me.

So, I made a list of pros and cons. Pros- new meds may help stabilise me somewhat, the AD he wants me to change with has more of a sedating effect then current drug, so may help with insomnia, hospital stays also tend to help sleeping patterns (I feel safer sleeping behind a locked door I guess?) , for at least a few days I wouldn't be responsible for keeping myself safe.. which would be a nice refuge. Cons- new meds might mean new and exciting side effect of the days, I am likely to feel really cruddy for a period (even more so than now), hospital stay (nuff said...bleaurgh) and finally hospitalisation would more than likely result in case management, ehich in my mind would 'officially' make me mentally unwell again................. sigh.

The damndest thing is it is a friday night.... so wont be able to anything until Monday at the earliest, probably more likely Tuesday when my next appointment with therapist is, which means three whole days of ruminating and stressing over this. And you know what, I already feel like shite... shite night last night with off the wall anxiety and suicidal ideation, exhausting day today, socialising with friends at lunch and trying to appear like am not about to completely lose the plot (Don't get me wrong, love my friends, but given the way I was feeling today, probably would have cancelled on them, if not for the fact that it was a make-up lunch for the one I cancelled on Wednesday because I felt too shite to come)

Sigh.

I hate making decisions and I hate being told that only I know whats best for me.. :(