On the road to sanity?

So, I have just re-entered therapy, after a few years break. The CBT intensive therapy I underwent for FOUR YEARS (!), has helped me to almost fool myself into believing I'm ok. But, I'm sick of having to constantly manage my anxieties and symptoms just to survive. I'm exhausted, and I guess I feel like the CBT (for me) was nothing more than a bandaid solution. It stopped me bleeding out, which was I guess their first priority a few years ago when I completely dropped my basket, but I'm still hurting, still damaged, still not quite alive...

Enter D, my new therapist. Psychotherapy.... what a weird relationship! Previously, I have had psychiatrist and a case manager for about two years after they let me out of hospital, but I have never had a psychologist before. All sorts of anxieties arising... what does she mean when she says its ok that I feel depressed? That I am having suicidal ideation? What's with the positive spin she puts on every character flaw I present to her? When is she going to start talking about choices and taking responsibility for my thoughts? What does the word 'mindful' even mean anyway? What are the rules? What does she mean that we should 'sit with this?'. My mind boggles at this different approach to mental healthcare.

BUT, its about two months into therapy now, and after a lot of vascillating between this woman is a nutter and this woman might actually be able to help me... I have finally committed in my mind to the whole process. Sure, the whole thing is making me as crazy as a box of hair at the moment... but here is somebody who listens to me, who validates me and who doesn't turn away from the darker parts of me... finally I might not be totally alone in picking up the pieces of my past... and its a comforting thought.

That being said, even the short amount of time I have been seeing her, my emotions have been on the most crazy rollercoaster ride you can imagine. So I thought I'd write this blog, to help me keep it in perspective... and maybe...if anybody is interested in my mundane ramblings... get some advice from others.