Monday, August 17, 2009

I know best?

Yay! For autonomy. Yay! For the people the people who don't treat me like an imbecile, unable to make her own decision, because of my mental health status. Yay! For the people, who want me to feel like my wishes are being listened to....

"You know what's best for you"
"Only you'll know what the right thing to do is"
"It's your decision"
"Let us know if it goes to far, and you need additional help"

I know that these things are said by friends, family and professionals who want to empower me at this time, to make me feel like I have some semblance of control over my life.


Truth is, I'm not always sure I am the right person to make these decisions. I don't want to cede control of my life and health over to someone else, but the pressure of trying to make sure I make the right decision, sometimes feels overwhelming. And the fear of getting it wrong is terrifying. And the fear that there will come a time when I am simply unable to make the 'right' decision, and nobody will notice is even more terrifying.

Right now, I am desperately trying to stay out of hospital. I am not going to mess about with my medications on the off chance in might improve things, I do not want to be case-managed with in an inch of life.


I am fighting off pretty strong suicidal urges, I am trying to hold back what feels like a deluge of depression flooding over me. I feel like Sisyphus, rolling that boulder up the hill, only for it roll back down to the bottom, ad infinitum, for eternity.

What if I'm making the wrong decisions? What if, in a blink of an eye, I move to a space where I am no longer capable of making the 'right' decision or reaching out for help. It's happened before, and it happened so damned quickly... I went from struggling, really struggling but managing to keep myself in check, to oblivian. Literally, I have no real memory of the week leading up to my OD back in 06, or really, what was going through my head, to finally push me over the edge. And of course, no memory of the week that followed it in the ICU and then CCU. And that scares the hell out of me! All I know is that it started like this....

So really, Do I know best?

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