Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Anti-Pollyanna

Did you ever read the book 'Pollyanna' as a kid or see the movie? It was about this precocious, (read: obnoxious) 'lovable', little orphan girl, who inspite of all the woes in her life manages to find the silver lining in every situation. She calls it the 'glad game'. A friend and I were talking today, and we have given me the new moniker of the 'Anti-Pollyanna'. Because I have a remarkable talent, particularly in my current frame of mind, of finding the dark lining in every situation. Yes, I know... I should be using those trusty old CBT techniques to challenge these cognitive distortions....blah...blah...blah... but at the moment, I'm just too bloody tired.

The conversation came about when I called to let this friend know the outcome of my JCA with Centrelink today. It went as well as can be expected, frankly I was a bit of a zombie... just not really with it. But the assessor was a pyschologist, and quite lovely. After chatting with me and reviewing all the Treating Doctor Reports... (mine was a two prong claim, basically the PTSD which leads to really ridiculous insomnia impacting on the Epilepsy which is not all that well controlled to begin with) she said that she would be recommending I stay on the Disability Support Pension (no activity requirement, no quarterly reviews and more money) , rather than being shafted over to the Sickness Allowance (push towards employment, more reporting, more paperwork and less money).

SO that was a relief, because being the catastrophising numpty that I am, I have been stressing my little heart out about it all weekend. So, good news right? Nope.... can never be that easy with me... my brain starts whirring around the idea that, with the new regulations it is damn near impossible to get the DSP, I mean.. they're denying it to people with cancer... so how depressing is it, that under the new stringent guidelines, I am still considered f*cked up enough to need it? Cue violins, as I start feeling incredibly sorry for myself, oh woe is me.. I have all these health problems, yada yada. And then of course next comes the guilt.... I don't deserve this, its a waste of money on me, I am just a dud, and everyone should just accept this and let me go into oblivian...... Stupid huh? But that particular record has been playing non-stop pretty much since the appointment.

Of course, I was in fine form for my therapy appointment this afternoon. Zoning in and out. At one point, D (the therapist) asked where I had gone in my head, what I was thinking.... and I had to admit that I'd spent the last five minutes staring at the painting on her wall, wondering why I'd never noticed that it looked like someone had painted a giant q-tip in the middle of the field.... But tried to reign the brain in, and refocus, and we talked about some useful things re: crisis plan, and emailing. I told her I thought things were starting to seem a little bit more in control and I was starting to take some responsibility for myself. She questioned my use of the words 'control' and 'responsibility'. She implied that she thought it sounded very negative and that I was viewing my 'emotional meltdown' over the last few weeks as a failure.... well, duh! Girl can't motivate herself enough to eat, shower or sleep....pretty epic fail! Well... really boring stuff, I guess... but then, my life is pretty boxed in at the moment.

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day...

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