Fairy Claps for me....

Do you remember in primary school, when you did something really well the teacher would tell you to 'give yourself a pat on the back' or even better, you would give yourself a round of applause with fairy claps (two fingers clapping.... to keep the noise down I guess?) Well, I have found myself, metaphorically giving myself a pat on the back a few times in the last few days. Yay... you managed to eat some food! Yay... you managed to call a friend today! Yay... you managed to have a shower!

Other people have also been giving me praise for above said nutrition, social contact and personal hygeine. BUT, of course the little voice in my brain is scoffing. How utterly pathetic that my biggest current achievement is to feed and bathe myself sporadically. I've looked after two year olds who can manage that!

In my therapy session today, I found myself in equal parts frustrated and validated by D (therapist). Because she was one of the ones complimenting me for above AMAZING feats. And whilst it made me happy that she understood how absolutely exhaustingly mind-blowingly hard it was for me to do above feats, I felt pathetic at her low expectations of me. Part of me just wanted her to take me by the shoulders, shake me and yell 'pull yourself together'. That's what I felt I deserved.

Sigh.

We spoke briefly about my outstanding talent in the department of beating myself up. And I admit I had a little chuckle to myself....well....because at least I can do something well, huh?

In other news... spoke to my Grandmother tonight on the phone, and she well and truly clicked into the vibe that ALL IS NOT WELL with her granddaughter. Its a tricky line to balance. After my OD a few years ago, both she and mum were very specific in their desire that I should let them know what's going on with me in the future, rather than keeping it to myself and imploding so spectacularly. And I do, try to be as honest as I can, but on the other hand there isn't much point worrying them, when they live 3 hours away, and there isnt much they can do. But, sly minx that the old dear is, she figured it out for herself, so I gave her a semi-sanitised version of whats going on. Yes, I'm a bit depressed. No, I'm not sleeping or eating well. But I am seeing my therapist regularly, using all the techniques I'm supposed to and trying to use the support network and crisis plan I have in place.... nothing to worry about. She doesn't need to know about the intense suicidality, or the fact that it is more than a bit of depression...what good would that do? But, ultimately, I guess I'm glad we talked about it now, because I'm headed up there for my Grandfather's birthday in a fortnight and I have lost a lot of weight... which is going to raise eyebrows... so better to get it semi-out in the open. Am nowhere near as bad as pre-OD when my weight plummeted down to 38kg, but hovering just under 50kg, I'm not looking the healthiest... so I need to fatten up some....out comes the sustagen!

Other than that, am planning on catching up with friends for lunch tomorrow (fairy claps for me) unless I pike out again which I have been doing a lot lately. And I have an appointment to see Dr S (GP) to see whether we need to reassess the medication situation. So will see how that pans out... not keen to go on the rollercoaster rides of medication adjustments again....