Not lining up for the rollercoaster....

After much thought... (an entirely predictable night of ruminating), I have come to the conclusion that the only reason that I went to the GP to get my medications assessed in the first place, is because of the deeply instilled belief society has in medication as a 'fix'. I got off the rollercoaster of medication changes in the first place, because I realised that it wasn't really making much difference, and contributing to my feelings of hopelessness. But, like a conditioned puppy, my pavlovian response to this new bout of bleurgh was to run to the doctor for the magic pill fix. The therapy is my new attempt to find a way to manage all of this... and I have decided to stick to that, and see if the process will help. I don't want to get back on that rollercoaster of medications and hospitalisations unless there is absolutely no other way. So there's my decision. Some might call it ill-informed, or even dangerous given my current state of mind, but it is the decision I feel most comfortable with, so I'm going to go with it for now.

I'll stick with current regime of lexapro, clonazepam and xanax, as my nod to the 'biological base' theories, who knows, maybe they are helping? But I'm going to invest my hope and energy into trying to tame my mind through analysis, understanding and personal responsability.

In the meantime, I'll try to ride out the waves of depression, anxiety and that nasty voice that's screaming suicidal thoughts into my brain....