Saturday, July 3, 2010

What to do?

I'm in an interesting space at the moment, and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. Things have really calmed down over the last few weeks, and I have found myself with a new sense of control and peace with the outside world and myself. Good news of course. But disconcerting, in that it is so different from my regular level of functioning, that I am a little lost. My life is not a very exciting one from the outside. I go to my appointments, clean the house, visit occasionally with friends. And of course, I was studying. But the majority of my time and energy was occupied with just trying to hold myself together. And now, at a time when the "holding together' is coming quite easily, and with no study to do, I have all this time and energy on my hands.... and well, I'm bored to tears! Don't get me wrong.... far better to be bored than to endure the onslaught of the gremlins. It hasn't been so much of an issue until this weekend. At first I was quite enjoying the 'down time' and then of course, this week has been pretty full with work, appointments and volunteering. This weekend however... not so much to do. The house is tidy-ish, but without the driving anxiety necessitating major distraction activity, I'm not quite so OCD about it. Clean and tidy is good enough. No volunteer shifts this weekend. My two close friends in the area are busy. B is working and S has gone up to Thursday Island to visit with her bf's family. My depression has really isolated me, and I have drifted away from alot of the other acquaintences that I had... and its hard to now, 18 months later, just ring up and re-insert myself in their life.

So obviously I need an action plan. Looking for part-time work is part of that, but it may take a while to find the right position. But I'm thinking I need to develop a new hobby, hopefully one that puts me in contact with some people my age. I even am considering going to the Mental Health Club House that Case Manager (M) took me to visit last year....something that I had flat out ruled out previously. I just really don't know what hobby I want to take up. It has to be something inexpensive, something social rather than individual. I also (and I think this is realistic and pragmatic rather than just pessemistic) am thinking that I want it to be something that doesn't involve a weekly comittment (as in a team sport) as although I would go regularly now that I am feeling well, I might not during rough patches and I'd like it to be something I could just pick up and drop as needs be.

What to do, what to dooooooooooooooo? Suggestions welcome.

Tomorrow I need a plan for though. I think another day of sitting in front of the telly, eating wagon wheels, while relaxing, may begin to give my brain too much time to go where it needn't go. So, I'll commit it to writing here, so I have motivation to do it!

I will wake up and go for a walk mid morning (hopefully after a good sleep in!), maybe stop by the local shopping centre to find some new walking shoes. Grab a few books from the library, and maybe stop at one of the coffee shops for a drink and a read. Back home, I'll give my gorgeous cat a bath (long overdue). Work on craft for a little while. Get lil sis to help me put a rinse through my hair (regrowth is starting to get quite unsightly) So that should save me from a day of unstimulating crappy cable TV.

I've just got to get used to filling my time for pleasure again, rather than being driven towards meaningless activities to satisfy unbridled agitation and anxiety.

I really hate that my life has become so intricately wrapped around my mentalism, that when it ebbs I'm left directionless. But the solution to this is just to do something about it, huh?

Peace and love


  1. I'm so happy that you aren't feeling depressed right now! I can understand your boredom, but I think you have some good ideas-- volunteering and finding an activity. Have you ever considered taking up knitting? I know that many cities have knitting groups that you can pop in and out of as you wish. And it's pretty social.

    Wishing you well,

  2. Thanks NOS. Not sure about knitting. My gran tried to teach me when I was a teenager, but my scarf turned out....well, a bit wonky to say the least. I can crochet though. :)