Taking my wookie to therapy

First of all, I have a question for you, blog-o-sphere. I am a die-hard bargain hunter. The worth of a purchase to me, quite often has less to do with the item purchased and more to do with the percieved level of bargain that I got. Thus, the only 'designer' items in my wardrobe are those that are markedly reduced, and in fact I pay so little attention to labels, I am often caught off guard when people ask "Oh is that Ed Hardy?...etc" The most expensive thing in my closet is a pair of colorado shoes, which set me back an ungodly $140, but........I have worn them for over 5 years now, and they are still kicking. Today, while I was at the chemist picking up my meds, the lady in line behind me commented on the winter coat I was wearing (it is a fabulous coat, very warm and a rich red, which is a nice splash of colour for winter). I smiled and said thanks and confided that I had picked it up from Target on sale for $30. The look in her eyes made it evident to me that I had committed a faux pas, in her view anyway. Yes, it's a great jacket, tailored and stylish, and probably looks like it's from a much more pricey and fashionable establishment than Target, but isn't that something to celebrate? Looks great and it was cheap and affordable! So my question is.... when you buy something for a bargain price, to you advertise it or keep stum? Just wondering.....

Anyhow. Therapy. Hmmm. Not too bad I guess. A little intense. We examined one of my nightmares in uncomfortable detail. We also spoke about my college years a little (where this dream was set). I had a pretty wild and unhealthy couple of years when I first started college. Way too much drinking, promiscuous and risk taking behaviours....basically the acting out I never really did as a teenager. It's a time I am not proud of and I certainly have a lot of regrets, but I also recognise that it was a period that I had to go through, to get it out of my system, and it was certainly a reaction to the mess my mind was in at the time. We also spoke about some of the friends that I had at that time, who drifted away post suicide attempt. The fact of the matter is, some friends are forever friends and some friends are in the moment friends. And really, although it was hurtful, I knew where I stood with them, and I really can't blame them. It was an intense and difficult time for people who chose to stick by me, and not everyone is equipped to deal with that. (D) felt that she was picking up some residual anger in my voice while I spoke about it, but if it is there, its not conciouslly accessible. So, how about you guys? Have you had close friends drift away because of your mentalism? What was your reaction? For me, it kind of makes me really appreciate those who stuck around.

In more *ahem* embarrassing therapy news. (D) made a suggestion a while back, that I could bring a blanket in to keep in the room, for the sessions where I feel overwhelmed and need some physical containment. I was mortified at the time, and she was happy to drop it. The thought of it made me feel incredibly vulnerable, infantalised and well...erky! But the more I thought about it recently, knowing that we are going to be delving into difficult areas, and wanting to buffer myself as much as possible, so that I can make the most of these difficult sessions, the more I realised it was *gulp* a good idea. But still... the embarrassment factor, especially as I so firmly shut her down when she first brought it up. Anyhow. I swallowed my pride. I went and purchased a lovely fleecy throw blanket, its cream coloured with dove grey and orange circles on it, nice and soft and cosy. I couldn't bear the idea of bringing in one from home. Home and (D)'s office, never the twain shall meet. Once I brought it, I had to figure a way to bring it into the therapy room, with the least amount of embarrassment. In the end I was very mature. I waited until therapy was over, and basically dropped it in her lap and ran. Yeah. There's gonna be a conversation about that, I guarantee ya. Sigh. But you know, anything I can do, to maintain this even keel, whilst still doing the hard work to get to the bottom of my issues.

I love you, oh anonymous blog-o-sphere. There are only two people who know about my therapy blankie...and now of course, ya'all. But somehow I feel I can share these details with all of you, that I would die before sharing with my "real life" friends. Is real life an insulting term? Of course, I don't think of any of you as not real... I'm just not quite sure what else to call it. Hmmm.

Anyways. That's all my therapising until Monday. I am babysitting tomorrow and then relaxing for the weekend. I think I'm gonna give this sleeping in thing a try... I also have agreed to help my sister finish off her Tafe work... and of course, as always, the house needs attention. But mostly, sleep....sweet blissful sleep.

Peace and Love
Ophelia